The Positives

It's been a bit since I've written- I usually don't realize I need to get stuff out on "paper" until it's the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed weeping for who knows what! I sometimes wonder if I should be more positive- I feel like this is expected as a Christian. Certainly, God want's us to be positive, and I do believe God wants us to learn to have His perspective and attitude about our circumstances- to realize He is in them all, and that He is always with us, helping us to rise above. But, it is not a God  idea to pretend that things are okay when they are not, to pretend to be happy about something that is intensely painful such as rejection and abandonment. I think that is actually a trap and keeps us isolated in our struggles and pain, allowing the devil to take advantage of an already weakened position when we ought to be reaching out for healing and comfort from God's people. Unfortunately, many of God's people do not actually know God- as in personally know Him. We know the bible, we know our should's and our should not's. We know what to do to avoid punishment, and we definitely know what to do to obtain praise- in other words, we know religion, but do we know Jesus? If all we know is religion, we will live our life in misery because God is real and He is intensely PERSONAL with us. Granted- not ALL Christians are this way, and I feel very blessed and grateful to go to a church that the majority are full of grace.

One of my all time favorite chapters in the bible is Psalm 18. David is "complaining" about the unfairness of Saul's treatment and attacks of him. Saul's relentless jealousy and pursuit of David was wearing him out. For some reason, I always managed to skip the middle section of chapter 18 (it's kind of a long chapter). But what was God's response to David's turmoil? He certainly didn't tell him to "pray harder" or that he really ought to have a more positive attitude, that he needed to bless Saul more and maybe he would stop attacking him. I think it's important to note what was operating in Saul's life at the time: jealousy and an evil spirit. He was running on pride and entitlement. God does not condone those behaviors because essentially Saul had opened himself up to an evil spirit and according to psalm 18, David knew he had done nothing to deserve that maltreatment. He was innocent at heart and truly only wanted the best for Saul. David didn't choose to be king, he was CHOSEN and Saul couldn't stand that. It really is a sad scenario...but back to my question: How did God respond? It says in Chapter 18 that smoke blew from God's nostrils, that he rendered the heavens and came down, He rescued David from those who were too strong from him, He knelt down to make him great, that He gave David the strength to pursue every enemy and overtake them. What does this tell us about God? That HE takes personally what we take personally- He desires to defend, protect and restore- He does not preach platitudes. He IS compassion, grace, love and mercy. He never tells us to try harder or to just get our act together and then "maybe" he will bless us. He IS goodness personified.

The question I ask myself is this: are we being JESUS to others, or do we just say what is easy at the time because we are uncomfortable with the human condition? Jesus was not uncomfortable with the human condition- not ever. Its a tough one to answer. And truly, we can only give what we have received from God- so what we know of Him is what we will pass along. If we learned from our parents or other authority figures that God is critical, shaming, negative and cold, then that is how we perceive God and that is how we will treat others. We need to experience all that He is and let it change us from the inside out.

So, what the heck am I talking about? Well, I would not have made it through this last two years of dealing with my father's death, post- partum depression, panic attacks, a brain injury and subsequent brain treatments, and the dealing of all of my feelings and emotions due to my mother's mental illness and the intense pain that has caused me had it not been for people who WERE Jesus to me. Who showed me who Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit want to be for me- who HE has been all along, I was just too wounded to see it. It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance- not shame, condemnation or fear. It is His mercy that heals our wounds.

Unfortunately, I don't think many Christians want to think how I really feel about my parents. Certainly, I love them- there are things about them that I am FOREVER grateful for, and I would not change those things. But the honest truth today? I am sorely disappointed in them, how the treated me and my siblings, and the picture of God that they left me with. I cannot change that I am disappointed, because I know how it SHOULD have been- and that's okay, because I also know that they couldn't give what they didn't have- and they both came from dysfunctional, broken homes. I just really wish things had been different.

I am now in a place where I am looking at the positives (or trying to): They gave me Jesus- and that is a priceless gift. Where would I be without Him?! The pain they caused due to rejection and abandonment led me to a place of desperation that if God did not rescue me, I was as good as dead. I have told God this so many times I can't even count it. And because of that I have experienced God- I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned the importance of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, allowing myself to be exposed to healthy, loving people so I could learn to walk appropriately. I know the importance now of taking care of my physical and mental health.

If you need a new experience of who God is for you, and what He wants to do for you- ask Him to! HE is glad to do this, because He wants to be our everything.

Identity Crisis

I'm having a sort of identity crisis. In the course of two years, I have lost both of my parents. One to brain cancer, and the other to a personality disorder. However,  this unearthed some truths that I had not yet faced- I never really had them in the first place. I never had good, healthy relationships with either of them. Although it wasn't all bad, it certainly wasn't foundationally good either. I was closer to my Dad, but my relationship was more what he wanted than what I needed it to be.

So, now that there is no "pretend" relationships happening, and by that I mean I am not feigning that things are right or dancing around issues anymore- the hole is exposed. I am left with questions about God that I never have had before. Will He meet me here?

When you have based your identity on performance which is essentially a shame based system, you are never FULLY loved. You learn to only expose the parts of yourself that are acceptable. So, for me, that meant never expressing that I needed something, whether it was comfort, quality time, money, clothes, etc. I just simply did not express it. I learned that I was not safe as I was, I could never fully relax or let my guard down- I still really struggle with this.

Side note: my parents were not aweful people, they were broken and the product of their own dysfunctional upbringings. I definitely wish things were different, but I can also see how their own woundedness kept them from fully loving us. That task now, belongs to God.

So, I am in this uncomfortable place where my hurts and pains are exposed, God's word says over and over and over again that it is His desire to heal, restore to wholeness, redeem, make new...Yet, I question if he REALLY wants to. I mean, will He REALLY come through for me? Does He really want to re-parent me? Oh, how I want to believe!!! Yet, something in me is holding back and I know it's because I am afraid I will fail and be rejected. Obviously, I know in my head this is not the case, but my heart doesn't know it.

How do we get from not knowing or understanding our worth to fully understanding who we are and what we were made for? I believe one of the primary ways we begin to move from a place where we are lacking to a place of restoration is the word of God, specifically, in what Graham Cooke calls "inheritance words". These are words that you KNOW are for you because when you read them, they seem to pop out of the page, they grab a hold of you. This word is God's declaration to you of what He desires to do in your situation, in your heart, in your family, etc. The reason I believe Cooke calls them "inheritance words" is because they are ours by right of the blood of Jesus- they are our inheritance.

The way Graham Cooke describes marinating in these inheritance words is by crafting them into prayers. So, I have begun to take a few passages that the lord gave to me a long time ago, and some that have been given to me by other people, and have just begun to make them the cry of my heart. I want God to meet me here- and I know that is His desire as well, even though at times (like today) I can hardly believe it. But it is how we begin to move from the old to the new, and begin to take hold of WHO and WHOSE we are by the blood of Jesus. When we begin to know who we are, like really know it, our behavior and actions start following suit, not the other way around. When we know how perfect His love towards us is, we have no reason to fear and we gain a new confidence. Our behavior lines right up because we know, absolutely, that He has our best in mind.