I did it. I've spent the last 3-4 months praying, examining, praying, trying to muster up the courage to do what I felt I needed to do for this stage in the journey with my mother. I sent the letter. This is not the decision that every child has to make when they deal with their mentally ill parent, but it was the choice I felt was best for me and my family.
Up until now, I have not been so bold as to tell my mother the God's-honest truth about her treatment of me. One thing that Borderline's are really good at is shifting blame, and gas-lighting so that you feel like the crazy one for point out an issue. What is even worse is when an entire family system is still doing the "dance" as I like to call it. Dancing around the issues, sweeping things under the rug, living in denial as to what is really going on within the family and how those behaviors affect every single individual in the family. I stopped dancing, and it seems that other family members are struggling to know what to do with that. I feel for them in that regard.
I have not told my mom the truth because it took me a long time to learn what the truth was, and I was terrified of what she would do. I would freeze just thinking about telling my truth- "can I say that?" (insert awkward scary face here). Not to mention, the truth was extremely hard to face and I was afraid that I really would not be able to stand any more of her shenanigans if I did say something. The letter I sent was actually very kind. I focused only on how I feel about the relationship, and what I need from her should there ever be a relationship in the future. I was very specific about my needs because she has every right to continue living and NOT meeting any one of those needs, but if that is the case, we will not be in relationship. What needs am I talking about? Well, It has taken me two years of counseling to learn that it is actually a human need to feel safe, and it is okay to demand that someone be a safe person before continuing a relationship with them. I've spent so much of my life putting my needs on the alter and watching her set fire to them that I did not know there is a better way to live.
How is my mother not considered a safe person? Well, let me give you a few examples: She loves me and hates me, depending on her state of mind which usually has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with her mental illness. In one moment she will be publicly flattering me, and the next, subtly putting me down or making snide remarks about something she doesn't like about me. It is torturous to watch, and suffocating to be a part of. She does not seem to be aware of how her behavior affects others, nor does she seem to care. It saddens me to think how fragile her mind and emotions are now. I don't know what triggers her, but I can see the shift happen in her eyes- something changes and she goes from smothering to rejecting in a nano second. I personally got to the point where I emotionally could not play the game. And, you cannot leave a relationship without saying why. I now know that is unkind and cruel. She deserves to know the truth.
So, with the help of a friend and the oversight of my counselor, I began writing. At some point, I realized there was nothing more I could say, and nothing I wanted to take out. I know that I was led to make this decision, and at this point in my journey, this was the kindest thing I could do for her and our relationship, although she and others will likely disagree. I was shaking a bit when I put the letter in the mailbox. There is no going back now. We have a community mail box, so I would have to break a few federal laws to get that mail out. Needless to say, I did not break any federal laws and the letter was on it's way. Faces began pouring into my mind. I wondered if God would come through for me as He has promised. I wondered if I made the right choice, and what would happen when she gets this letter. I made a game plan of what I would do and say should those things happen because I tend to not be able to think straight when the poo hits the fan.
The boundaries are as follows: No contact. None. Until she is in some form of counseling, I won't even begin to entertain the thought of having a relationship with her. That means I won't get to attend family gatherings where she is present. This has been the hardest for me- even though it is my choice, I still feel like I'm the one paying the highest price. So, I will just have to be creative with how to spend time with other family members at different times.
She emailed me almost as soon as she received the letter, and I almost threw my phone across the room when I received it. She basically said that she would not be contacting me and that she didn't agree with how I felt about things. I was surprised there wasn't more of a backlash, but it was still early in the game so we would see what would happen. That evening, I started getting texts messages from one of my siblings whom mom had called multiple times, stating she was having a horrible panic attack and just couldn't understand why I would do this to her and that she was really hurt. That sibling then began to question what I had said and why I felt like now was a good time to send the letter. I briefly explained what I said, and explained that I know this is hard, but the letter is between mom and I, and mom shouldn't even be discussing that with that sibling. I told my sib that I was sorry that this relationship change would affect me going to family gatherings where mom is present, and that I had taken all of these things into consideration when making this decision.
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I am curious to see if my mom even takes the letter to heart and gets help for herself. After all, that was my other main goal- that she would see her need for healing her own wounds before considering reconciling the relationship.
I have hesitated bringing God up in this blog because the topic is dicey. People hear "Jesus" and they think "how can she cut her mother out of her life?" and "why doesn't she just suck it up and love her mother" (which is a topic that would take me far to long to write about in this post) and probably wonder why Jesus would allow me to walk away. I actually don't know why He has. Typically, when we read the bible, we read it as if it happened 2000 years ago, and as if God is not interested in speaking to us today. As if he is not interested in our decisions, plans or pains. He is only interested in teaching us lessons. At least that is how I used to read the word. No one human could tell me to leave my mother behind. I would not have believed them. In fact, several people did, told me it was time to get out and I was under so much fear and confusion, that I just couldn't do it and I definitely did not believe them.
Here's the thing about Jesus- He does not seek to control us, not in the slightest. He wont force us to do anything, and will gently lead us until we "get it". For some people this includes more pain than others. He speaks to us each differently, and when He does, it is very personal. For example, I often get scripture references that will pop in my mind that speak to directly where I am at. Sometimes I will get a picture and along with it an immediate understanding of what God wants to do in a given situation. But with this, it was a progressive and slow leading that finally brought me to a place where I realized I really only had one choice. And that choice was to stop playing the game which would inevitably leave me wounded and bitter, and place my mom back in the hands of the Father. He is the one who can heal her, love her and restore her, and me being involved in her life may be a hinderance to her feeling some necessary pain that would prompt her to get help. People will judge me for this, but at this point, I'm not sure how much I care about other people's opinions.
