Well- it feels a little bit like a roller coaster over here. I just finished reading "Stormie"- a book written by a woman who was abused by her mentally ill mother and how she came to forgive her and be restored. Granted, my story is not that bad- but I learned something valuable. She helped me to understand why my mom was the way she was. In her heart, I know she didn't mean to hurt us, but nonetheless she did. Understanding WHY helped me to grasp that there was nothing wrong with me- it was all her.
So, we went to lunch the other day. Just her, myself and my daughter. This is a big deal- as I would almost never ordinarily go out of my way to be alone with my mother. But I prayed before hand, asking God to go before me as He always does. And He did! Big surprise : ) I felt peace about it and I wasn't anxious about meeting her (this is huge!)
Anyway, so I felt okay with asking her about her relationship with her mother- what kind of abuse did she suffer? What had she done to her? I figure maybe I can better understand why she is the way she is, and maybe I can learn something about myself here too. She shared that indeed it was mostly neglect- and that in general, she felt like her mother didn't like her. She didn't ever remember happy memories with her mother. She said "My mom's actions and words did to me what mine did to you." I am still shocked that she is admitting these things and talking candidly about them. For so long- aka my entire life- she has been defending herself. I just nodded as she continued.
She knows that she has anxiety because of the neglect and abuse. As I explained before, we know that neglect damages the brain through a hormone called cortisol. I have no doubt that this left her prone to anxiety, depression and a constant state of rage. Understanding this has diffused some huge fears that I had about mental illness, anxiety and depression. My whole life I had been told that anxiety ran in our family so I better "watch out!"! What a load of crap. ABUSE runs in our family, leading to anxiety and depression. It is not of some organic cause. This diffused huge, long time fears that I carried in myself of becoming mentally ill, or of my children having anxiety disorders and the like.
I asked her if she knew how wounded she was when she got married and she replied that she had no idea. She knew she always felt "abnormal", but didn't know until my littlest brother was born (I was 8), how extensive the damage was. At this time, she had a complete nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. She proceeded to tell me that she thought she could somehow make a life out of what she created in her mind without realizing she had none of the necessary tools to do it. Much less, she married someone who had a whole slew of dysfunctions, exposing some of her deepest fears and insecurities, creating even more chaos in the home.
I then asked her what caused her to change her mind, as every time I would try and state my case, she would deny my feelings, tell me that I was wrong, that I was judgemental, critical, etc. She said that she realized it didn't matter anymore if she was right...she knew she hurt me, and she then came to realize that everything I had said was true. Let me repeat that "Everything you said was true." Wow. I still don't have words for this. I feel like for the first time I don't have to second guess my perception, or my analysis of things- her confirming how I felt somehow released a confidence that I am okay. It also diffused some anger. When a parent makes you feel bad about yourself, blames you for "making their life a living hell" as she would often say, or just in general doesn't love you, it leaves a deep-seated sense of worthlessness in WHO YOU ARE...not just a part of you, but all of who you are somehow becomes "bad". It is a terrible way to live.
It is slowly becoming easier and easier to put away the anger. I have been praying for the last two years SOLID for God to expose the truth to her, to cause any misguided thinking to be made right. I prayed for restored relationship- but I never actually thought I would see it. I have been praying for God to restore her heart and her life, and I have no doubt that my dad's death spurned a huge turnaround in her. I truly thought I would take this pain with me to the grave. The pain of not having a mother to love you, but instead belittles and mocks you. Not having a mother to share your pregnancies with, the joys and troubles of life with. At other family's parties, I would envy the mother and daughter relationships where there was warmth, laughter and enjoyment of their company. I would leave with a deep sadness and realization of what I never had but always longed for. But we serve a good God. Not only has he put other women in my life to help heal that wound but I believe He is now restoring the relationship with my own mother. His ways are higher than mine- asking me to forgive not only healed my heart, but I believe it is healing hers. ONLY God can do something so cool. Only God.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Going back to go forwards
Feels so counterproductive to me...moving backwards in order to move forwards. I understand that one can spend too much time "surveying the ruins" as it were, and I pray to God I don't stay here. But it is a necessary part of the healing process, understanding the past in order to move forward in the present. I never allowed myself to feel the pain, the hurt, frustration and ANGER, and now it is time. As I think I mentioned before, I have been studying attachment so to better understand how to meet my own daughter's needs, and I found while I was doing that an understanding of my mother and myself came up.
My mother was neglected and abused as a child. I don't know all of the details, but I can see now how this changed her brain function and influenced her actions We now know that cortisol, while it helps us in dangerous situations, can damage and even destroy those precious developing neurons- yikes! This is why the "cry it out" sleep solution is not recommended, because cortisol is released when babies cry. They NEED to be reassured that everything is going to be okay otherwise they literally develop a sense of hopelessness and despair, leaving them prone to anxiety in the future because those neurons are damaged.
I get angry sometimes that when she knew something was wrong- when she felt it in herself that "she" was not ok- that she didn't do anything about it and continued on her way, leave chaos and pain in her path. Although I understand why she did the things she did and have a better understanding of her actions, I don't understand why she never got help. I know that the enemy had her believing lies- that she was worthless, that she was a victim to her past and therefore this was just the way she would live her life.
I learned how to be really good at hiding my emotions- I learned how to shut off my facial expressions so that I didn't show my displeasure at her actions, or my pain at the hurtful things she would say. I buried it deep inside until I became a ball of tangled emotions, fear and rage. When emotions would rise up, I didn't know what to do with them because it was never really "okay" to have them, and certainly if they made my mother feel bad about her actions or behavior, it was not okay to share them. To her it meant that she was a failure or that I was "better" than her if I showed any dislike over things she said or did. She felt that I was judging her constantly, when I was simply so sad at her outbursts of anger and beyond exhausted of pretending things were okay.
I mentioned this before, but as I started to change and began realizing that I didn't want to live my life being anxious and afraid, and began seeking God for my healing, her anger, bitterness and jealousy of me only intensified. She became more distant and cruel. To her, it felt like a slap on the face- after all, she was seeing me overcome the things which she had not (yet). She was faced with the reality that she had believed lie after lie over her life, and the very few times I did share my thoughts on anxiety and how to overcome, she would come up with excuses and all the reasons why she thought I was making my "recovery" up. She even went as far as to talk to others about how "her healing could not be possible, she is just making it up."
There was an instance when her rage, bitterness and anger came spewing out. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to go off antidepressants, and would really appreciate her support. She didn't like the timing and discouraged me from doing so, but I felt impressed that God was with me and it was time to overcome this. Anyway, after hearing her disapproval, I decided not to bring it up again, not to seek her support and instead to surround myself with those that would be encouraging. It was Christmas eve and we were at a church service. I honestly don't even remember what brought it up, but all of a sudden she turned to me and said " I don't know why you think you deserve better than what we gave you." I was too stunned and hurt to even speak. I didn't believe I deserved better than her! I believed she too could have the wholeness and healing that I sought after, but she was too disillusioned by her own pain to even understand what I was saying. Instead, she only felt bitterness.
I can tell you one thing. I am NOT the same person I was. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, some times are worse than others. My identity is not in the fact that I have been healed, but rather that Jesus clothes me in righteousness and I have victory over all things. I have been set free from the spirit of oppression that resided in me for my entire life. I am grateful that with the help of counselors, doctors and occasionally medicine, I am becoming more whole, and more the person God created me to be before my parents and this world messed me up. I can tell you that my story of healing is NOT just for me, but is an example of what God can and will do for anyone willing to take the journey. I believe that God will use me to touch my mother's life, and that in time, she too will receive His healing for her wounded heart.
It's all a part of the not so lovely process. But Praise and Glory be to God- who heals all our diseases, and allows us to walk along the heights. He truly is the reason for the season.
My mother was neglected and abused as a child. I don't know all of the details, but I can see now how this changed her brain function and influenced her actions We now know that cortisol, while it helps us in dangerous situations, can damage and even destroy those precious developing neurons- yikes! This is why the "cry it out" sleep solution is not recommended, because cortisol is released when babies cry. They NEED to be reassured that everything is going to be okay otherwise they literally develop a sense of hopelessness and despair, leaving them prone to anxiety in the future because those neurons are damaged.
I get angry sometimes that when she knew something was wrong- when she felt it in herself that "she" was not ok- that she didn't do anything about it and continued on her way, leave chaos and pain in her path. Although I understand why she did the things she did and have a better understanding of her actions, I don't understand why she never got help. I know that the enemy had her believing lies- that she was worthless, that she was a victim to her past and therefore this was just the way she would live her life.
I learned how to be really good at hiding my emotions- I learned how to shut off my facial expressions so that I didn't show my displeasure at her actions, or my pain at the hurtful things she would say. I buried it deep inside until I became a ball of tangled emotions, fear and rage. When emotions would rise up, I didn't know what to do with them because it was never really "okay" to have them, and certainly if they made my mother feel bad about her actions or behavior, it was not okay to share them. To her it meant that she was a failure or that I was "better" than her if I showed any dislike over things she said or did. She felt that I was judging her constantly, when I was simply so sad at her outbursts of anger and beyond exhausted of pretending things were okay.
I mentioned this before, but as I started to change and began realizing that I didn't want to live my life being anxious and afraid, and began seeking God for my healing, her anger, bitterness and jealousy of me only intensified. She became more distant and cruel. To her, it felt like a slap on the face- after all, she was seeing me overcome the things which she had not (yet). She was faced with the reality that she had believed lie after lie over her life, and the very few times I did share my thoughts on anxiety and how to overcome, she would come up with excuses and all the reasons why she thought I was making my "recovery" up. She even went as far as to talk to others about how "her healing could not be possible, she is just making it up."
There was an instance when her rage, bitterness and anger came spewing out. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to go off antidepressants, and would really appreciate her support. She didn't like the timing and discouraged me from doing so, but I felt impressed that God was with me and it was time to overcome this. Anyway, after hearing her disapproval, I decided not to bring it up again, not to seek her support and instead to surround myself with those that would be encouraging. It was Christmas eve and we were at a church service. I honestly don't even remember what brought it up, but all of a sudden she turned to me and said " I don't know why you think you deserve better than what we gave you." I was too stunned and hurt to even speak. I didn't believe I deserved better than her! I believed she too could have the wholeness and healing that I sought after, but she was too disillusioned by her own pain to even understand what I was saying. Instead, she only felt bitterness.
I can tell you one thing. I am NOT the same person I was. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, some times are worse than others. My identity is not in the fact that I have been healed, but rather that Jesus clothes me in righteousness and I have victory over all things. I have been set free from the spirit of oppression that resided in me for my entire life. I am grateful that with the help of counselors, doctors and occasionally medicine, I am becoming more whole, and more the person God created me to be before my parents and this world messed me up. I can tell you that my story of healing is NOT just for me, but is an example of what God can and will do for anyone willing to take the journey. I believe that God will use me to touch my mother's life, and that in time, she too will receive His healing for her wounded heart.
It's all a part of the not so lovely process. But Praise and Glory be to God- who heals all our diseases, and allows us to walk along the heights. He truly is the reason for the season.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Backing up.
I have neglected an important part to my story, that I would now like to share. Up until about 1 year ago, I never even talked about my dysfunctional relationship with my mother. I had never allowed myself to stare the darkness in the face so to speak. Well, in August, I started counseling and seeing a naturapath for some anxiety I had been experiencing. I was having some adrenal and thyroid problems caused by a head injury from a few years back, but throughout the course of treatment, just like peeling back the layers of an onion, other sources of the anxiety were beginning to surface.
So, I began sharing with him my story. At this time, I feel stuck in grief. Like I just can't plow through it. But it's not just the loss of my father...there is something deeper and I can't put my finger on it. I feel a well of anger just sitting underneath. A fear that I can't put a name to, and deep sadness over my life. I know WHO it is at, but I can't figure out why. So, I was talking with my Naturapath about why I think the grief is complicated. I feel like I'm grieving over my childhood. I have always felt a profound sadness over my life, but I'm not sure exactly what. I'm still processing all the information. It's almost like my body held the memories, but my mind was just a spectator of the events. I know that I never had a place where it was safe to share my emotions. It's called "containment". When a child feels their emotions, they are overwhelming and loud. If a parent, usually the mother, is not able to contain the emotions or hold them into herself FOR the child, and instead, displays an inability to comfort, console or even shows a lack of empathy for the child's emotions, the child learns that their emotions are in fact, big, and scary, and not even his mother can contain them. They learn, in effect, they they are not safe, and that the world is not safe. If your own parents feel overwhelmed by what you feel, then who can you turn to for safety?
I have been studying up on childhood development and attachment so I can learn to understand how my daughter is growing and how to nurture that, but I was surprised at the uprising of emotion that came as I learned these things. I have very vivid memories of hiding my emotions from my mother. I can see it now, the moment an emotion would begin to rise up in me, my face turning to stone and the words "I'm fine" would come out, and a smile would cover the pain I felt inside. I hid the good and the bad, but especially the bad. Because the bad was too bad, but the good wasn't good enough to be noticed. It truly was all about her and how she felt and there was no room in her world for silly, childish emotions.
I thus learned to keep it all inside. Even now, my fingers take frequent pause and tremble on the keyboard. I am afraid to tell the details of my story for fear that she might find out and reprimand me. I am staring it in the face, but I'm afraid to acknowledge it as "my story." I don't know if this makes sense. But for me, to acknowledge it as mine means that I have to own the pain, the anger and the deep sadness over parts of me that were lost along the way.
Sitting with my counselor, she could tell that I was struggling. I'm shaking in my seat as I try to express what I feel because I'm still trying to be nice. I'm struggling to understand why my mother did the things she did and how she was unable to see how she hurt me, and still own the fact that I am entitled to my feelings. So she says "I need you to be honest. Don't be nice right now, just be honest." So then they came...slowly, but very angrily...the hurt came out.
I have been denying how I felt out of guilt and shame, trying to like my mother...trying to find anything good about her to cling to. How can you hate your own mother? I get this message all the time from well meaning people. First of all, I don't hate her, but neither do I truly "like" who she is. "You only see your mom once a month?" "yes...and that is more than enough right now." If you own mother doesn't love you, what hope do you have in this world? If your own mother isn't good, then how can you trust anything or anyone? It is true- the trust developed during attachment is the foundation for EVERY other relationship- including your relationship with God.
I fought this for a long time...pretending there were not cracks in my foundation when it was this very foundation God was seeking to demolish. I feared the exposure of my wounds for fear that they might never be healed, yet God exposes so he can heal. He breaks down so He can build up again, the way it was originally intended to be.
Isaiah 54:11 "O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires. And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you."
So, I do not despair at my brokenness...I know that Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and that he is near those who are crushed in spirit. I know that he desires for me to be a complete person, so that I can run more fully, and wholly in Him. And truthfully, I can't wait to see what he makes out of this pile of dust. I'm not sure HOW HE will do it, but this fact just requires that I lean all the more heavily upon the cross.
I realize the details are vague, and at some point I hope to be able to share them without fear, but I'm not quite there yet.
So, I began sharing with him my story. At this time, I feel stuck in grief. Like I just can't plow through it. But it's not just the loss of my father...there is something deeper and I can't put my finger on it. I feel a well of anger just sitting underneath. A fear that I can't put a name to, and deep sadness over my life. I know WHO it is at, but I can't figure out why. So, I was talking with my Naturapath about why I think the grief is complicated. I feel like I'm grieving over my childhood. I have always felt a profound sadness over my life, but I'm not sure exactly what. I'm still processing all the information. It's almost like my body held the memories, but my mind was just a spectator of the events. I know that I never had a place where it was safe to share my emotions. It's called "containment". When a child feels their emotions, they are overwhelming and loud. If a parent, usually the mother, is not able to contain the emotions or hold them into herself FOR the child, and instead, displays an inability to comfort, console or even shows a lack of empathy for the child's emotions, the child learns that their emotions are in fact, big, and scary, and not even his mother can contain them. They learn, in effect, they they are not safe, and that the world is not safe. If your own parents feel overwhelmed by what you feel, then who can you turn to for safety?
I have been studying up on childhood development and attachment so I can learn to understand how my daughter is growing and how to nurture that, but I was surprised at the uprising of emotion that came as I learned these things. I have very vivid memories of hiding my emotions from my mother. I can see it now, the moment an emotion would begin to rise up in me, my face turning to stone and the words "I'm fine" would come out, and a smile would cover the pain I felt inside. I hid the good and the bad, but especially the bad. Because the bad was too bad, but the good wasn't good enough to be noticed. It truly was all about her and how she felt and there was no room in her world for silly, childish emotions.
I thus learned to keep it all inside. Even now, my fingers take frequent pause and tremble on the keyboard. I am afraid to tell the details of my story for fear that she might find out and reprimand me. I am staring it in the face, but I'm afraid to acknowledge it as "my story." I don't know if this makes sense. But for me, to acknowledge it as mine means that I have to own the pain, the anger and the deep sadness over parts of me that were lost along the way.
Sitting with my counselor, she could tell that I was struggling. I'm shaking in my seat as I try to express what I feel because I'm still trying to be nice. I'm struggling to understand why my mother did the things she did and how she was unable to see how she hurt me, and still own the fact that I am entitled to my feelings. So she says "I need you to be honest. Don't be nice right now, just be honest." So then they came...slowly, but very angrily...the hurt came out.
I have been denying how I felt out of guilt and shame, trying to like my mother...trying to find anything good about her to cling to. How can you hate your own mother? I get this message all the time from well meaning people. First of all, I don't hate her, but neither do I truly "like" who she is. "You only see your mom once a month?" "yes...and that is more than enough right now." If you own mother doesn't love you, what hope do you have in this world? If your own mother isn't good, then how can you trust anything or anyone? It is true- the trust developed during attachment is the foundation for EVERY other relationship- including your relationship with God.
I fought this for a long time...pretending there were not cracks in my foundation when it was this very foundation God was seeking to demolish. I feared the exposure of my wounds for fear that they might never be healed, yet God exposes so he can heal. He breaks down so He can build up again, the way it was originally intended to be.
Isaiah 54:11 "O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires. And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you."
So, I do not despair at my brokenness...I know that Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and that he is near those who are crushed in spirit. I know that he desires for me to be a complete person, so that I can run more fully, and wholly in Him. And truthfully, I can't wait to see what he makes out of this pile of dust. I'm not sure HOW HE will do it, but this fact just requires that I lean all the more heavily upon the cross.
I realize the details are vague, and at some point I hope to be able to share them without fear, but I'm not quite there yet.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Uh-Mazed
I am amazed. God is working and it is so humbling and exciting to see His hand! All this time, I felt like He had left me...abandoned me to my own fears, my past and hurt that left me tormented and afraid. I'm realizing more and more that emotions are healthy things that need to be expressed, and the more we hold it inside, the worse it becomes until it explodes onto someone who doesn't deserve it.
That's what happened to me. My mom had a lot of brokenness, hurt, and anger taking up residence in her heart. It was undealt with, unrecognized, and left to fester until it exploded on us for no apparent reason. I didn't realize that I was following the same pattern- partly because I didn't have the tools to know how to express it in a healthy way, as my only example went as follows: something didn't go as planned--> impatience--> outburst of anger and hurtful words.
I never got to the point of having outbursts of anger and hurting other people, but I could feel it brewing under the surface, threatening to blow the lid of my self control. Sometimes it would come out as a snide remark, sarcasm or just ignoring, but regardless it was there. I never had anyone take the time to help me express it, even as a child. To sit with me and ask me how I was feeling, or why I was feeling that way. To acknowledge my feelings as valid instead of mocking me for them. I really had no idea. So, I am learning how to let it out in healthy ways. One of which, is pouring it out to God. I write A LOT. I've filled 2 whole journals over the last year, and let me tell you, I myself don't have any desire to read them. Most of the contents are awful. Filled with painful memories, heartache and disappointment.
I'm not sure why it came as a shock to me that I'd be feeling anger now...but I am learning that grief is a continuoum of emotion. Some days you feel nothing, some days intense anger, resentment, and hurt, and then nothing again. It's not linear. It's not as if one day you're angry, and because you've already felt anger, you can now move on to happier emotions. I am grieving the loss of my dad. Not just the loss of the past, but the loss of having him in the present and the future. He will not be there for birthdays or Christmas. He won't be there when my kids go to school, or sing in the christmas program. I'm grieving the loss of a mother-daughter relationship I always wanted but never had, the loss of a childhood that should have been mine. I'm grieving the loss of what was "supposed" to be the happiest years of our young marriage.
All that to say, I was reassured to find out that feeling the anger now is normal. It takes time to heal. And God is not asking me to race through this life. It says in Isaiah that He gives us treasures in darkness...When He hides us under the shadow of His wings, I never imagined it to be dark, but boy is it! Yet even in darkness we are protected. There is no place I can go from His presence- even if I were to travel to hell and back, as I believe I have in many ways (psalm 139), He is still with me, guiding me, comforting me and healing me.
I have learned more about God's intentions...He created me in my mother's womb, and entrusted my parents with my life. His plan was for them to mold me, to love me, and to instill in me healthy tools to cope with life. They did the best they could with the tools they had, yet I was wounded none the less. But the AMAZING thing about God is that He promises to use all of that, and restore what was broken and lost.
There is a verse in Isaiah 54:11 "“O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires.I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children’s peace. In righteousness you will be established; tyranny will be far from you..."
I love this verse. I love picturing that God is building my life. But there is one thing that interests me about this verse...rebuilding a foundation. In order to rebuild a foundation, the original house has to be destroyed...taken down...demolished. If the foundation is weak, the entire building will be weak. It doesn't matter how beautiful, how opulent or impressive the outside. If the foundation isn't sound, the building wont last. If you haven't noticed already, God isn't interested in short term results. He goes after the prize. He wants us to have something that will last, something that will be fruitful, and something that we can pass down from generation to generation. He wants us to be whole! Wow.
So I have learned to take heart when things fall apart for a few reasons: 1- God will use everything for our good, whether its a work of the enemy, a tragedy He himself has allowed, or whatever. For some reason, experiencing deep sorry allows for greater joy, and I'm not really sure how or why that works- 2- He will build the foundation stronger and healthier than it was before, something that will benefit not just our lives but the lives of those around us, and 3: He will make Himself known in a greater way.
I have seen some amazing things in my life, and I can honestly say I have been praying for healing and reconciliation with my mom for as long as I can remember- but I had given up on ever seeing it happen. Yet, God used my dad's death to bring about healing. Wow.
Rest assured...I am not anything special that God would take greater interest in me than any one of you. God is no respecter of persons. Trust Him with the process, whatever yours may be...Wait, and He will strengthen your heart.
God bless you today!
That's what happened to me. My mom had a lot of brokenness, hurt, and anger taking up residence in her heart. It was undealt with, unrecognized, and left to fester until it exploded on us for no apparent reason. I didn't realize that I was following the same pattern- partly because I didn't have the tools to know how to express it in a healthy way, as my only example went as follows: something didn't go as planned--> impatience--> outburst of anger and hurtful words.
I never got to the point of having outbursts of anger and hurting other people, but I could feel it brewing under the surface, threatening to blow the lid of my self control. Sometimes it would come out as a snide remark, sarcasm or just ignoring, but regardless it was there. I never had anyone take the time to help me express it, even as a child. To sit with me and ask me how I was feeling, or why I was feeling that way. To acknowledge my feelings as valid instead of mocking me for them. I really had no idea. So, I am learning how to let it out in healthy ways. One of which, is pouring it out to God. I write A LOT. I've filled 2 whole journals over the last year, and let me tell you, I myself don't have any desire to read them. Most of the contents are awful. Filled with painful memories, heartache and disappointment.
I'm not sure why it came as a shock to me that I'd be feeling anger now...but I am learning that grief is a continuoum of emotion. Some days you feel nothing, some days intense anger, resentment, and hurt, and then nothing again. It's not linear. It's not as if one day you're angry, and because you've already felt anger, you can now move on to happier emotions. I am grieving the loss of my dad. Not just the loss of the past, but the loss of having him in the present and the future. He will not be there for birthdays or Christmas. He won't be there when my kids go to school, or sing in the christmas program. I'm grieving the loss of a mother-daughter relationship I always wanted but never had, the loss of a childhood that should have been mine. I'm grieving the loss of what was "supposed" to be the happiest years of our young marriage.
All that to say, I was reassured to find out that feeling the anger now is normal. It takes time to heal. And God is not asking me to race through this life. It says in Isaiah that He gives us treasures in darkness...When He hides us under the shadow of His wings, I never imagined it to be dark, but boy is it! Yet even in darkness we are protected. There is no place I can go from His presence- even if I were to travel to hell and back, as I believe I have in many ways (psalm 139), He is still with me, guiding me, comforting me and healing me.
I have learned more about God's intentions...He created me in my mother's womb, and entrusted my parents with my life. His plan was for them to mold me, to love me, and to instill in me healthy tools to cope with life. They did the best they could with the tools they had, yet I was wounded none the less. But the AMAZING thing about God is that He promises to use all of that, and restore what was broken and lost.
There is a verse in Isaiah 54:11 "“O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires.I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children’s peace. In righteousness you will be established; tyranny will be far from you..."
I love this verse. I love picturing that God is building my life. But there is one thing that interests me about this verse...rebuilding a foundation. In order to rebuild a foundation, the original house has to be destroyed...taken down...demolished. If the foundation is weak, the entire building will be weak. It doesn't matter how beautiful, how opulent or impressive the outside. If the foundation isn't sound, the building wont last. If you haven't noticed already, God isn't interested in short term results. He goes after the prize. He wants us to have something that will last, something that will be fruitful, and something that we can pass down from generation to generation. He wants us to be whole! Wow.
So I have learned to take heart when things fall apart for a few reasons: 1- God will use everything for our good, whether its a work of the enemy, a tragedy He himself has allowed, or whatever. For some reason, experiencing deep sorry allows for greater joy, and I'm not really sure how or why that works- 2- He will build the foundation stronger and healthier than it was before, something that will benefit not just our lives but the lives of those around us, and 3: He will make Himself known in a greater way.
I have seen some amazing things in my life, and I can honestly say I have been praying for healing and reconciliation with my mom for as long as I can remember- but I had given up on ever seeing it happen. Yet, God used my dad's death to bring about healing. Wow.
Rest assured...I am not anything special that God would take greater interest in me than any one of you. God is no respecter of persons. Trust Him with the process, whatever yours may be...Wait, and He will strengthen your heart.
God bless you today!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Turnaround
Well, I've had quite a shocking week...My husband FINALLY went back to work, and although it's not perfect or ideal, it's a job and we are thankful (or one of us is...). The other big thing that happened, and I can honestly say I never thought I would see this come to pass, was that my mom called and acknowledged everything...Let me back up a little...over the last 1 1/2 years, my mom has spent defending herself as a perfect parent, who did everything right and "how can you say I hurt you? you expect too much from me." I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I did about her, but after much digging, I realized WHY I felt the way I did, so I chose to walk the icky, sticky, and easily broken path of forgiving her. And let me tell you, it was neither fun nor pretty! God exposed things in my heart that needed desperately to be removed for me to walk in wholeness and healing.
Needless to say, I had to accept the fact that what was done was done. She may never acknowledge her part, and my forgiveness needed to not be contingent on her apology. So, I gave it up. I wasn't sure how we were to ever have an actual relationship, but that was in God's hands.
Anyway, a few days ago, she called out of the blue. We were talking about nothing in particular when she said "I am so sorry that you didn't feel loved by me. I was so determined to be a better mom than my mom, and I realized that I really was unequipped." I told her that it wasn't that I felt unloved, it was that I felt like there was no room for me, so I just kept to myself, hid all the good, bad and ugly (especially the ugly) because I didn't feel safe. She said "the reality is that you weren't safe. I was abusive, controlling and negative. I just feel so badly that I can never change that." I was too stunned for words. I told her that I forgave her, that what's done is done, and that she needed to forgive herself. (How those words came out of my mouth, I will never fully understand!)
I explained to her that the root of it with me is trust, and that my trust had been broken a long time ago. She asked me specifically what she had done to cause that, so I told her. I made sure she knew that I wasn't keeping a list in my head, but that there were very specific things that left me very wounded. I told her what they were, and to be honest, I can't remember if she was crying or if she was just silent. I have no doubt that as a mother, that would be incredibly hard to face- knowing that your child was so hurt by you that they didn't want you to be a part of their life.
So, I'm left at a strange place. I still feel very hesitant to enter relationship with her because of the past, yet the desire to have that awesome mommy-daughter relationship is pretty strong as well. I'll have to pray this one through to the end.
I'm incredibly humbled, God knew this all along, and yet was willing to walk through all the ickiness in my heart to help bring about a change in her. I'm amazed! God is good.
Needless to say, I had to accept the fact that what was done was done. She may never acknowledge her part, and my forgiveness needed to not be contingent on her apology. So, I gave it up. I wasn't sure how we were to ever have an actual relationship, but that was in God's hands.
Anyway, a few days ago, she called out of the blue. We were talking about nothing in particular when she said "I am so sorry that you didn't feel loved by me. I was so determined to be a better mom than my mom, and I realized that I really was unequipped." I told her that it wasn't that I felt unloved, it was that I felt like there was no room for me, so I just kept to myself, hid all the good, bad and ugly (especially the ugly) because I didn't feel safe. She said "the reality is that you weren't safe. I was abusive, controlling and negative. I just feel so badly that I can never change that." I was too stunned for words. I told her that I forgave her, that what's done is done, and that she needed to forgive herself. (How those words came out of my mouth, I will never fully understand!)
I explained to her that the root of it with me is trust, and that my trust had been broken a long time ago. She asked me specifically what she had done to cause that, so I told her. I made sure she knew that I wasn't keeping a list in my head, but that there were very specific things that left me very wounded. I told her what they were, and to be honest, I can't remember if she was crying or if she was just silent. I have no doubt that as a mother, that would be incredibly hard to face- knowing that your child was so hurt by you that they didn't want you to be a part of their life.
So, I'm left at a strange place. I still feel very hesitant to enter relationship with her because of the past, yet the desire to have that awesome mommy-daughter relationship is pretty strong as well. I'll have to pray this one through to the end.
I'm incredibly humbled, God knew this all along, and yet was willing to walk through all the ickiness in my heart to help bring about a change in her. I'm amazed! God is good.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What is that warm feeling?
Not sure how to begin this post...But I have noticed a change in my heart...a feeling I thought would NEVER come. I'm not sure how to describe it but I'll try. Your heart only has so much space- if it is filled with bitterness, rage, anger, hurt and pain, there is little room for love...and vice versa. Walking through the process (I underline process because it can't be emphasized enough) of forgiveness, I feared letting the ickiness out for fear it would consume me...for fear that it would not STOP coming out, and for fear of what God would ask me to do if I actually did forgive my mom (you mean I have to love her too?!).
In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.
My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!
I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.
This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!
Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).
What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!
Be blessed today.
In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.
My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!
I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.
This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!
Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).
What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!
Be blessed today.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I never thought I'd make it...
You have heard me gripe and complain about my family life- and I want you to know that I share not because I want to talk badly about my mother, but rather, I feel my story is important...everyone has their story, and I feel it ought to be shared! It's not to rat my mother out as some horrible awful person...because she isn't! it's to free up my soul of the pain of the past so I can run FULLY in the present.
I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally.
I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.
I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.
At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide? So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.
She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.
Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.
The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first. There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.
Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.
My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.
Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.
I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.
Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.
I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally.
I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.
I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.
At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide? So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.
She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.
Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.
The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first. There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.
Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.
My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.
Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.
I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.
Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I don't know how to do this...
I feel like this on an almost daily basis...my father recently passed away, and I don't know what to do with my mom. The pain is overwhelming...and I cannot carry hers. If you knew my mother and her propensity to cling to you and suck the life out of you, (however unintentionally) perhaps you could understand my dilemma.
I wasn't given the room as a child to express my emotions and feelings about things, although I highly doubt this was on purpose. Both of my parents came from fairly dysfunctional families, and did the best they could under extremely overwhelming circumstances. It's no wonder that now, even still, in her presence, I am silenced...I fear her disapproval, her criticism. All I really want is for her to accept me as I am, and not make snide remarks about how I "need help" getting my house organized (and REALLY...it is NOT that bad!)...we bought a fixer upper, and that's exactly where we are at...fixing it up! But that's besides the point...
I don't know how to help her. I closed my heart off to her a long, long time ago, and it is difficult to want to open it again for fear that she will see what's inside and want to discard it like yesterday's garbage...for fear that she will gain access and lose sight of the boundaries. She is a boundary-less person, and likes it that way, it appears. Which would explain why she tries to control everything and flips out when it doesn't go according to plan.
The hardest part about my dad dying, was not his death, per se...it was the life that was left behind him. My dad and I were very close, and I would take a stab and say that he and I were the closest out of the other kids. I just seemed to get him, and he me. In a way, I felt like I lost the only one who really cared about me, and cared about me more than his pride.
The hardest part about forgiveness is walking the tightrope of letting go of the past, and using WISDOM with your heart in the present...God says to "guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life." Your heart contains all that you are, and it is worth fighting for. So mom, please forgive me if I don't let you in so easily.
I don't know how to do this right...there is no book where i can flip to, say, chapter 19-your mom is slightly crazy, has broken your heart, your dad is now dead, and she is sucking the life out of you- and how to push her away gently! Ha... I wish! But, this is a lesson I believe God is affording me...to learn to use my voice. I always felt the need to go to others for advice, for their approval of an idea or thought (I still kind of do). I never felt completely comfortable making a decision on my own. I would be plagued with PARALYZING fear...paralyzing...what if I made a horrible mistake? What if I let someone down, or hurt someone? the list goes on and on. This lesson He is affording me is the opportunity to be myself...fully and completely myself, with the ability to fail, and the ability to greatly succeed! And in the process, not only will I gain self confidence, but I will learn more of His heart for me.
So, there are so many things I wish I had known when I was younger...but, even if I had, I don't think I could have handled it. I'm thankful that I am learning this while my marriage and child are young so I can grow from this!
I wasn't given the room as a child to express my emotions and feelings about things, although I highly doubt this was on purpose. Both of my parents came from fairly dysfunctional families, and did the best they could under extremely overwhelming circumstances. It's no wonder that now, even still, in her presence, I am silenced...I fear her disapproval, her criticism. All I really want is for her to accept me as I am, and not make snide remarks about how I "need help" getting my house organized (and REALLY...it is NOT that bad!)...we bought a fixer upper, and that's exactly where we are at...fixing it up! But that's besides the point...
I don't know how to help her. I closed my heart off to her a long, long time ago, and it is difficult to want to open it again for fear that she will see what's inside and want to discard it like yesterday's garbage...for fear that she will gain access and lose sight of the boundaries. She is a boundary-less person, and likes it that way, it appears. Which would explain why she tries to control everything and flips out when it doesn't go according to plan.
The hardest part about my dad dying, was not his death, per se...it was the life that was left behind him. My dad and I were very close, and I would take a stab and say that he and I were the closest out of the other kids. I just seemed to get him, and he me. In a way, I felt like I lost the only one who really cared about me, and cared about me more than his pride.
The hardest part about forgiveness is walking the tightrope of letting go of the past, and using WISDOM with your heart in the present...God says to "guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life." Your heart contains all that you are, and it is worth fighting for. So mom, please forgive me if I don't let you in so easily.
I don't know how to do this right...there is no book where i can flip to, say, chapter 19-your mom is slightly crazy, has broken your heart, your dad is now dead, and she is sucking the life out of you- and how to push her away gently! Ha... I wish! But, this is a lesson I believe God is affording me...to learn to use my voice. I always felt the need to go to others for advice, for their approval of an idea or thought (I still kind of do). I never felt completely comfortable making a decision on my own. I would be plagued with PARALYZING fear...paralyzing...what if I made a horrible mistake? What if I let someone down, or hurt someone? the list goes on and on. This lesson He is affording me is the opportunity to be myself...fully and completely myself, with the ability to fail, and the ability to greatly succeed! And in the process, not only will I gain self confidence, but I will learn more of His heart for me.
So, there are so many things I wish I had known when I was younger...but, even if I had, I don't think I could have handled it. I'm thankful that I am learning this while my marriage and child are young so I can grow from this!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
To introduce myself...
Well, to start off with, I am a wife to my best friend, and mother to one beautiful 5 month old girl. She lights up my life in ways I didn't know were possible. She is my joy, and I am reminded of God's love and grace for me every time I look at her beautiful face. My purpose in writing this blog is to process things for myself, but also to share my journey with the Lord, share my story of His mercy and ultimately to bring others to know Him.
This year has been a hellish whirlwind. If you could picture a person standing on the edge of a rocky cliff with waves crashing up against the rocks, the wind blowing and rain thundering down...that was my life this year.
On December 26th, 2009, my dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor- glioblastoma multiforme. Terminal brain cancer. They told us with radiation and chemotherapy, and based on his age and previous health, that he would live MAYBE 14 months. They took out the majority of the brain tumor 5 days after Christmas and began radiation and chemotherapy 2 weeks later. All things considered, he tolerated the treatment pretty well with few side effects. The tumor seemed to stay put without much growth for quite a while until August, 2010, where in spite of treatment, it continued to grow. Since he had received the lifetime max of radiation, that was no longer a treatment option, so they changed chemotherapy agents, and again, seemed to slow the growth of the tumor but didn't completely kill it. In December, after it became obvious that Avastin (The latest chemotherapy agent) was no longer working, the only two options were hospice or seeing if he qualified for a clinical trial.
He did in fact qualify for the clinical trial, which included excision of as much of the tumor as possible, and injecting stem cells into the tumor cells that had been trained to kill cancer. He and my mom stayed in the hospital in California over Christmas (our second Christmas without my dad), and returned a few weeks before my baby was born.
It was at that time, that his physician reviewed his follow up MRI and they discovered that in spite of all efforts, the tumor was growing and that we should consider hospice. Worst. Day. Ever. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it to see my baby girl come into this world. I was praying that she would come before he was unable to understand who she was or love on her a little bit before he left to be with the Lord.
She was born January 20th, at 8:31 am. One of the best, and worst days of my life. It was beautiful, my labor was a piece of cake, and I felt as if in the midst of the worst kind of heartache, God had given me the treasure of her life to care for. It was the worst day as well, because I could see my dad, struggling to take it all in and muster the energy to be present when all he wanted to do was sleep. It is a heartache I cannot describe, and I fear that no matter how much time passes, the ache will always remain.
During all of this (as if it weren't enough to handle already), I was just starting to learn how dysfunctional my life was, and had been. I felt a lot of anger towards my mom, but never really understood why. I had a few painful memories of things she had done, and a lot of painful memories of things she had said, but somehow I couldn't acknowledge them as my feelings...it was like I wasn't entitled to feel the pain. I knew that it was time to do some searching, get some counsel and really understand the heartache I was feeling and why in the world I felt so guilty!!!
It was a painful, hard task. It meant that I had to look at my mom and see her for who she was and the things she had done. I could no longer pretend that she was perfect, but instead had to face the fact that yes, she was abusive...abusive in her words and actions. She was mean spirited, controlling and manipulative. I had to look at those things and then find something about her to love. I had to forgive her and no longer require her to pay the price for those awful things. I had to acknowledge my feelings. That her words had cut me to the very core of who I was and changed me. The broke my spirit and marred me. I was left handicapped, ill prepared to deal with life. What made it even more confusing was that she could be very sweet, giving and nice. My poor little heart didn't have a chance at understanding.
It is by the grace of God that I stand today. Somehow, He managed to get a hold of me, lead me to safe pasture, and has redeemed me (is redeeming me I should say) from a life of heartache, pain and brokenness. I don't know how He did it, or is doing it, only that He is.
It is a hard thing to look at the past, full of dark clouds, pain and brokenness, and have to leave it there. To know that you cannot change a thing, but try and make sense of it all, take from it what you can, and move ahead. It makes absolutely no sense.
I now understand why all of those years, even as a child, feeling so lost, depressed, out of place. I now know why the very first song I wrote was called "bless the child who walks alone."
I will go into more detail about that later...
This year has been a hellish whirlwind. If you could picture a person standing on the edge of a rocky cliff with waves crashing up against the rocks, the wind blowing and rain thundering down...that was my life this year.
On December 26th, 2009, my dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor- glioblastoma multiforme. Terminal brain cancer. They told us with radiation and chemotherapy, and based on his age and previous health, that he would live MAYBE 14 months. They took out the majority of the brain tumor 5 days after Christmas and began radiation and chemotherapy 2 weeks later. All things considered, he tolerated the treatment pretty well with few side effects. The tumor seemed to stay put without much growth for quite a while until August, 2010, where in spite of treatment, it continued to grow. Since he had received the lifetime max of radiation, that was no longer a treatment option, so they changed chemotherapy agents, and again, seemed to slow the growth of the tumor but didn't completely kill it. In December, after it became obvious that Avastin (The latest chemotherapy agent) was no longer working, the only two options were hospice or seeing if he qualified for a clinical trial.
He did in fact qualify for the clinical trial, which included excision of as much of the tumor as possible, and injecting stem cells into the tumor cells that had been trained to kill cancer. He and my mom stayed in the hospital in California over Christmas (our second Christmas without my dad), and returned a few weeks before my baby was born.
It was at that time, that his physician reviewed his follow up MRI and they discovered that in spite of all efforts, the tumor was growing and that we should consider hospice. Worst. Day. Ever. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it to see my baby girl come into this world. I was praying that she would come before he was unable to understand who she was or love on her a little bit before he left to be with the Lord.
She was born January 20th, at 8:31 am. One of the best, and worst days of my life. It was beautiful, my labor was a piece of cake, and I felt as if in the midst of the worst kind of heartache, God had given me the treasure of her life to care for. It was the worst day as well, because I could see my dad, struggling to take it all in and muster the energy to be present when all he wanted to do was sleep. It is a heartache I cannot describe, and I fear that no matter how much time passes, the ache will always remain.
During all of this (as if it weren't enough to handle already), I was just starting to learn how dysfunctional my life was, and had been. I felt a lot of anger towards my mom, but never really understood why. I had a few painful memories of things she had done, and a lot of painful memories of things she had said, but somehow I couldn't acknowledge them as my feelings...it was like I wasn't entitled to feel the pain. I knew that it was time to do some searching, get some counsel and really understand the heartache I was feeling and why in the world I felt so guilty!!!
It was a painful, hard task. It meant that I had to look at my mom and see her for who she was and the things she had done. I could no longer pretend that she was perfect, but instead had to face the fact that yes, she was abusive...abusive in her words and actions. She was mean spirited, controlling and manipulative. I had to look at those things and then find something about her to love. I had to forgive her and no longer require her to pay the price for those awful things. I had to acknowledge my feelings. That her words had cut me to the very core of who I was and changed me. The broke my spirit and marred me. I was left handicapped, ill prepared to deal with life. What made it even more confusing was that she could be very sweet, giving and nice. My poor little heart didn't have a chance at understanding.
It is by the grace of God that I stand today. Somehow, He managed to get a hold of me, lead me to safe pasture, and has redeemed me (is redeeming me I should say) from a life of heartache, pain and brokenness. I don't know how He did it, or is doing it, only that He is.
It is a hard thing to look at the past, full of dark clouds, pain and brokenness, and have to leave it there. To know that you cannot change a thing, but try and make sense of it all, take from it what you can, and move ahead. It makes absolutely no sense.
I now understand why all of those years, even as a child, feeling so lost, depressed, out of place. I now know why the very first song I wrote was called "bless the child who walks alone."
I will go into more detail about that later...
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