Well, I've had quite a shocking week...My husband FINALLY went back to work, and although it's not perfect or ideal, it's a job and we are thankful (or one of us is...). The other big thing that happened, and I can honestly say I never thought I would see this come to pass, was that my mom called and acknowledged everything...Let me back up a little...over the last 1 1/2 years, my mom has spent defending herself as a perfect parent, who did everything right and "how can you say I hurt you? you expect too much from me." I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I did about her, but after much digging, I realized WHY I felt the way I did, so I chose to walk the icky, sticky, and easily broken path of forgiving her. And let me tell you, it was neither fun nor pretty! God exposed things in my heart that needed desperately to be removed for me to walk in wholeness and healing.
Needless to say, I had to accept the fact that what was done was done. She may never acknowledge her part, and my forgiveness needed to not be contingent on her apology. So, I gave it up. I wasn't sure how we were to ever have an actual relationship, but that was in God's hands.
Anyway, a few days ago, she called out of the blue. We were talking about nothing in particular when she said "I am so sorry that you didn't feel loved by me. I was so determined to be a better mom than my mom, and I realized that I really was unequipped." I told her that it wasn't that I felt unloved, it was that I felt like there was no room for me, so I just kept to myself, hid all the good, bad and ugly (especially the ugly) because I didn't feel safe. She said "the reality is that you weren't safe. I was abusive, controlling and negative. I just feel so badly that I can never change that." I was too stunned for words. I told her that I forgave her, that what's done is done, and that she needed to forgive herself. (How those words came out of my mouth, I will never fully understand!)
I explained to her that the root of it with me is trust, and that my trust had been broken a long time ago. She asked me specifically what she had done to cause that, so I told her. I made sure she knew that I wasn't keeping a list in my head, but that there were very specific things that left me very wounded. I told her what they were, and to be honest, I can't remember if she was crying or if she was just silent. I have no doubt that as a mother, that would be incredibly hard to face- knowing that your child was so hurt by you that they didn't want you to be a part of their life.
So, I'm left at a strange place. I still feel very hesitant to enter relationship with her because of the past, yet the desire to have that awesome mommy-daughter relationship is pretty strong as well. I'll have to pray this one through to the end.
I'm incredibly humbled, God knew this all along, and yet was willing to walk through all the ickiness in my heart to help bring about a change in her. I'm amazed! God is good.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What is that warm feeling?
Not sure how to begin this post...But I have noticed a change in my heart...a feeling I thought would NEVER come. I'm not sure how to describe it but I'll try. Your heart only has so much space- if it is filled with bitterness, rage, anger, hurt and pain, there is little room for love...and vice versa. Walking through the process (I underline process because it can't be emphasized enough) of forgiveness, I feared letting the ickiness out for fear it would consume me...for fear that it would not STOP coming out, and for fear of what God would ask me to do if I actually did forgive my mom (you mean I have to love her too?!).
In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.
My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!
I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.
This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!
Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).
What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!
Be blessed today.
In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.
My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!
I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.
This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!
Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).
What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!
Be blessed today.
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