The Turnaround

Well, I've had quite a shocking week...My husband FINALLY went back to work, and although it's not perfect or ideal, it's a job and we are thankful (or one of us is...). The other big thing that happened, and I can honestly say I never thought I would see this come to pass, was that my mom called and acknowledged everything...Let me back up a little...over the last 1 1/2 years, my mom has spent defending herself as a perfect parent, who did everything right and "how can you say I hurt you? you expect too much from me." I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I did about her, but after much digging, I realized WHY I felt the way I did, so I chose to walk the icky, sticky, and easily broken path of forgiving her. And let me tell you, it was neither fun nor pretty! God exposed things in my heart that needed desperately to be removed for me to walk in wholeness and healing.

Needless to say, I had to accept the fact that what was done was done. She may never acknowledge her part, and my forgiveness needed to not be contingent on her apology. So, I gave it up. I wasn't sure how we were to ever have an actual relationship, but that was in God's hands.

Anyway, a few days ago, she called out of the blue. We were talking about nothing in particular when she said "I am so sorry that you didn't feel loved by me. I was so determined to be a better mom than my mom, and I realized that I really was unequipped." I told her that it wasn't that I felt unloved, it was that I felt like there was no room for me, so I just kept to myself, hid all the good, bad and ugly (especially the ugly) because I didn't feel safe. She said "the reality is that you weren't safe. I was abusive, controlling and negative. I just feel so badly that I can never change that." I was too stunned for words. I told her that I forgave her, that what's done is done, and that she needed to forgive herself. (How those words came out of my mouth, I will never fully understand!)

I explained to her that the root of it with me is trust, and that my trust had been broken a long time ago. She asked me specifically what she had done to cause that, so I told her. I made sure she knew that I wasn't keeping a list in my head, but that there were very specific things that left me very wounded. I told her what they were, and to be honest, I can't remember if she was crying or if she was just silent. I have no doubt that as a mother, that would be incredibly hard to face- knowing that your child was so hurt by you that they didn't want you to be a part of their life.

So, I'm left at a strange place. I still feel very hesitant to enter relationship with her because of the past, yet the desire to have that awesome mommy-daughter relationship is pretty strong as well. I'll have to pray this one through to the end.

I'm incredibly humbled, God knew this all along, and yet was willing to walk through all the ickiness in my heart to help bring about a change in her. I'm amazed! God is good.