It is strange. I have many sad memories of my dad because of the year and a half he spent very ill. Maybe that's why it was somewhat easy to accept his death- because it was slow and painful and it felt easier to let him go than to watch him in misery all the time.
Because of the length of time he was sick, I feel like most of my memories are of him being ill, not the before when he was healthy. But recently, happy memories have started filling up space- but even those are sad. All 4 of us kids have my dad's insane sense of humor. I saw a funny post on pinterest and immediately thought of my dad and how hysterical he would find this!!! I remembered his laugh for the first time in a while- and it felt good...but bad all at the same time. I miss his joy.
You see, when they are sick, it's easy to let them go because the life they have coming is a million times better than the life they are leaving behind. But when I remember the GOOD, the funny, the happy- that's when I miss him the most. I can't help but wonder how he would be to my daughter, or how different our lives would be if he were here.
I find myself weeping more recently. It seems to come in waves. There are seasons where there is just numbness, and seasons where whenever anyone asks "are your parents still together?" Or "where do your parents live?" that I just cant help but cry.
I miss his laugh- I think his joy saved my life. My mom is a very serious person. I remember it used to always startle me when she would laugh- I would think to myself "man, I wish she did that more often." Now that my dad is gone- I'm left with the unhappy one. The wounded one who chooses not to get better- even though her family has paid the price. I'm left dealing with the one who takes her anger out on me just for being me. Just for having boundaries. Just for saying "no". Just for sharing my feelings.
So, I have to let go. I have to let go of the expectation that she will ever be different- because pressing for change is only making matters worse. But this is hard because that means I now have to grieve the loss of my mother and all that she may never be to me. The strange thing is that this has surfaced what has been there all along- the pain of not having her there in the first place. Me trying to change her or bring change . Now I have to let go of what will likely never be due to her own limitations.
But this is the only way I can love her- is if I choose to accept her as she is with her limitations. Im not sure if there is some "mental illness" involved, I hate using that label- but she definitely is not emotionally well- and her emotional unwell-ness is rubbing off and hindering my getting-well! Its like being on a never ending roller coaster ride while the other person is punching and kicking you all the while. The only way to be safe and get help is to say "sayonara!" and let them ride that one by themselves.
My hope will always be for her well being, her healing and restoration- but GOD ALONE can do that...God alone. No one else. Now- it's time for me to get my healing.
God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment