Shifting Gears

I wish I were more like a new stick shift car- I could just shift gears quickly, without any jolting or twitching...but no. I seem to be more like a ship, when once the rudder is turned, takes a good while and distance before any of that distance is seen. Does that make sense?

What am I talking about? Well...I do not talk to my mother. The purpose of setting boundaries was to protect myself. But now, it's to move from surviving to really living in the space those boundaries provide for me and my family. What good are boundaries if I'm constantly thinking about the past, numbed and panicked by different situations? What good are they if I'm really not present- enjoying the things God has given me in exchange for my losses?

Gah. This process is so much harder than I thought. So much messier than I want it to be. I hate it. Honestly. But what choice do I have but to work through it? I suffer if I do, and I suffer if I don't. I'd rather have a nicely tilled and watered garden out of this in the end than a mess of overgrown weeds that suffocate the life out of me.

I'm hesitant to share some details, because half the time I can't make sense out of it. Recently- as in the last few months or so- I've despised myself. I've despised everything about me that reminded me of my mother. A certain smile, laugh, gesture, phrase, etc. I was driving myself MAD. Every time I would hear that voice, or see a glimmer of her in me, I felt as if I were being rubbed up against a cheese grater. So what did I do? Not the healthy thing, that's for sure. I tried to be the opposite of her. Ignored certain things I enjoyed that were inherited from her, etc. Well, that doesn't really work. I was born of her. I am who I am in some ways because of her (good and bad). I look like her in some ways and I cannot change that.

Let me explain this a little better. It isn't because I want her to be all bad. It's not that she has nothing good to offer. The good memories I have are good! They warm my heart. But there are certain facial expressions, laughs, gestures, etc that are painful. They remind me of being mocked, punished, and shamed. So how in the Lords sweet name am I supposed to overcome this??

Well, lets back up and understand a few things about the brain. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) was designed in such a way that when in danger three things could happen: fight, flight or freeze. If there is enough time, and energy, then one would fight. If not, then one would flee. If neither fight nor flight are options, then the victim freezes. The brain stores the littlest details of the incident (or incidents) such as sights, smells, lighting, sounds, etc for a specific reason: there is something about that event that was threatening, and your brain wants you to remember that for future reference. Major bummer for those trying to get over traumatic events. It's also helpful to understand that it is what the victim perceives as threatening that creates these responses. For example, what a child perceives as threatening or scary would not be the same as what an adult perceives as threatening. One need not be raped or shot at to have somewhat of a PTSD response.

This is kind of a relief because no matter how hard I try, there are certain facial expressions, memories that will give me a kind of visceral response. It really has little to do with forgiveness and a whole lot more to do with defense mechanisms and stored memories.

But, back to what I was saying about hating myself. Jesus says that we are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. As a new friend informed me- It is implied within that verse that we love ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have. So, how can we love others if we do not have love for ourselves? We will be pouring out of an empty cup.

My prayer for the last several months has been this: God- open my eyes to the love you have for me. Help me to see myself as YOU see me, and then to see others as you see them. Help me to know who I am apart from my mother and even to love those things about myself that are like her." He has been FAITHFUL. But His love has been coming in, shaping and changing the way I see Him and the way I see myself. I know in turn this will change how I view others.

And then I go back to square one. It was God who knit me in my mother's womb. It was her DNA, sure, but the soul- the personality- is created by God alone. This can be tricky- because we truly are shaped by our environments. Our relationships with our parents are fundamental to our development. That being said, a huge part of our restoration will likely involve some pretty big overhauls. It involves exposing truth to some areas that have been steeped in lies. Some of those restorations include tearing up foundations and it will appear that you are going backwards instead of forwards- but it is necessary! As a friend so kindly pointed out- God has a lot invested in  our freedom, in our being who He created us to be. The moment we were separated Him by sin, He was already planning our rescue and redemption.

I imagine my daughter going to elementary or middle school and being picked on. If, God forbid, her sweet personality should take that in and take it personally, or become broken and wounded because of it- I would do ANYTHING to bring her back to being herself again. If I, though I am evil desire to do such things, how much MORE my Father in Heaven?

Have you ever read "You Are Special" by Max Lucado? If not...then do! It's an amazing book about the love God has for us. It's a children's book, but I get teary every time I read it. Let it sink in. Let it expose the "untruths" in you that are causing you to believe you are worthless and insignificant.

God is FOR you. In EVERYTHING you are facing- even turmoil within yourself. He is FOR you!

So, I'm shifting gears. I'm leaving the past behind me, and choosing to focus on all the good God has given me today. I will probably back track a few times, but that's to be expected : )