Letting Go

It has been an awful few weeks. Will this ever end? I think this won't truly be "over" unless my mom is miraculously healed or she leaves the earth. She is who she is, after all. Who am I to change her?

About two months ago I had a sort of epiphany. I was at a family birthday where my mom and I were celebrating our birthday's together. We always had. I didn't really think twice about the awkwardness of this. We don't have a relationship, yet, here we are celebrating together. I have learned over the years to ignore how I feel. To just put up with the pain, anger, frustration. This is not a healthy model, mind you, but it was a mode of survival. I thought I was doing the "Godly" thing by tolerating very toxic and unhealthy behavior.

After I had recovered from another event with my mother, I kind of woke up and realized- who am I doing this for? I am most certainly not doing this for myself. And if I'm doing this for her- someone who does not appreciate or value the gift I am giving (whether that be time, myself, my family, a monetary item)-then WHY am I doing this? I have learned to ask the hard questions. No more pretending. Pretending only works for so long and God wants us to have truth in the very core of who we are. The only reason I was doing this- exposing myself to her, continuing to put up a happy front to pretend that things are okay- was probably so that I didn't have to face the reality of who my mother is. That she, in fact, is not and will not change for me. I will not have a healthy relationship with her.

Can you imagine dating someone, feeling that things are off, being strung along thinking that things are great, but they are only staying in this to protect you from getting hurt if they cut things off? How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Lied to? I know I would. I would be royally pissed. That is, in essence, what I was doing to my mother. Out of sheer terror, I watered down the truth of my walking away so that she wouldn't explode- and for good reason. Her explosions are not pretty and are incredibly frightening to be a part of.

I have had the privilege of meeting a very wise, intelligent, honest woman who has walked this out and is lightyears ahead of me. Much of this new understanding is because of her. What I have learned is that people need to hear the truth- even if it hurts them. What is pain? Pain tells us that something is WRONG. Something is out of place, out of order and needs to be looked at. The intent is not to hurt them, but to set them free. Once we learn the truth about something  (behaviors that are negative and detrimental), we are essentially given a choice. Do we stay in denial or do we do something to change given this piece of useful information? Sure...it hurts, but in the long run, we are set free into a healthier and happier life because of it. Truth will ALWAYS set us free if we let it. This is why I have chosen to tell my mother the truth- so that she can make choices to move into a healthier life. Her responses are always the same:
"you are hurting me",
"Why do you always point out my faults?",
"why are you rejecting me?"
or my absolute least favorite: "no one else thinks I've done anything wrong..."
...and she is entitled to this view. She cannot see the boundary between herself and me, or anyone else for that matter. Therefore when I set a boundary, when I say no, when I voice an opinion or idea that is not in line with what she is already thinking, she perceives it as a rejection of herself.

I keep going back and forth- have I done something wrong? What can I do to fix this? Well, it comes down to this: My mom and I want different things. I want health and life and a good relationship where we are both respected and valued as individuals with feelings and ideas. She wants those things as well, but only on her terms- and her terms are to meet ONLY her needs. She will do this at any cost and I have realized I can no longer give to this. It's not healthy for her or for me.

So, I have been wrestling with this walking away. Not permanently, but most certainly for a time so I can heal. What if I'm wrong? What if I permanently destroy this relationship by walking away? Well...that may happen. I can't control that entirely. I have to do what is best for me and my family and I am sad to say that means I won't get to be a part of certain things because of it. I'm just no longer willing to lie to myself or to others to have a pretend relationship that costs her nothing and costs me everything. So I am letting go. And I finally have my peace with that.