A Kind and Loving Father

I found myself the other day walking around, feeling ashamed of the pain I feel. Ashamed of my wounds. Ashamed that I have been hurt. You see, over the last 5 years, it became more and more apparent that my voice didn't matter. My pain didn't matter. My view or perspective didn't matter. I didn't matter.  My voice was silenced over and over again as I cried out in pain at the hands of my mother. No one listened. The people who were witnessing how poorly she treated me, ignoring me for months, glaring at me from across the room, calling me incessantly to remind me how life is really all about her- none of them stood up for me. I was singled out and only one validated my experience behind closed doors. My only job or role was to please my mother, and in doing so, everyone else would be happy. Well, I've stepped out of that role. I am not making my mother happy, and I can only guess that she is probably shifting all of her hatred, rage and pressure onto my siblings- and who do you think they blame? Me. Ugh. I spoke up, and I was punished for it. I was exiled, removed from my family- the ones who should know me better than to believe her lies, the ones who should be able to see the good in me. Yet, they can't…and I can guess why they can't, but I won't go into that today.

Back to the other day. It dawned on me that if my child were hurting, if someone beat her up, left her bloody, bruised, and covered in mud that I would RUN to her. And I would want her to run to me for comfort and healing. I would not be ashamed of her "mess" or her wounds. All of a sudden- it clicked. God wants the very same for me. He is not ashamed of me because of what others have done to me, but I still need to be cleaned off. I still need to have my wounds tended to. I still need to rest in order to heal. I can look at my wounds the same way that he does- without condemnation or judgement, and with arms that are filled with compassion.

Wounds do not heal quickly especially the wounds that damaged our identities and left us walking poorly. But, we have a God who saves to the uttermost (Hebrews 7:25), a God who is completely intentional with us, and he will bring to perfection that which He started (Philippians 1:6). My hope is in God's intentionality and commitment towards me- not in my ability or lack thereof. He is a kind and loving father who has gone to the ends of the earth to save me. He will do the same for you!