Last week I kind of hit a low point. I started feeling a bit depressed and hopeless about the future. I wanted my heart to believe what my head knows- which is that God is good...all the time- but my heart was refusing to believe it, for whatever reason.
I began looking back at some promises. Promises that I know to be true for me. I know this because it resonates with every fiber of my being- yet they are things that I have not seen come to pass yet. These pomises have kept me going in times of drought or flood. I could hear the accuser making his case, and he made a strong one: "See...look at all God's let you go through. Would a kind and loving father do that? Would he? Doesn't he know you've been through too much? It's all just been too much. " I could hear it- but before I realized it, I began to partner with it. I began to believe the lie "you know, you're right. It has been too much! This is too much! What kind of Father allows his daughter to go through hell and then keeps giving her more? God- these promises should be mine by now!" and this continued until I was covered in a thick blanket of hopelessness. I then began to take on the responsibility of making those promises come to pass- have I done something wrong? Did I miss a turn somewhere? What could I do to convince God to bring these promises to pass sooner? And on top of that hopelessness was laid another thick and heavy blanket of false responsibility. I couldn't even pray- my mind was filled with fears of the future like never before.
I went to a friends house so our kids could play together while we just chatted about life and nothing in particular, and as I got ready to go, she said "hey, I wanna pray for you." So, of course I wasn't going to deny that! Boom...immediately the weight was lifted. I realized that I had partnered with the accuser and judged the goodness of God- she didn't say this, or insinuate- I just knew that I had. I don't honestly even remember what she prayed, but there was an immediate and permanent shift in my heart and outlook. I was suddenly able to embrace the truth with my whole heart that God has never failed me. He entrusted me to my parents who, for numerous reasons, left me with wounds and scars- but that was never his intent. People fail me. My body fails me- but he never has.
I want to be clear about something- there is NOTHING wrong with having an open and honest conversation with God about how you feel (read Job if you need some reassurance! Job lamented... God put him in his place but it was the relationship God was after and he loved Job for being honest before him.) It's perfectly ok, normal and even good to be angry, to be sad, and disappointed. There have been many, many times in my own life when self pity was the only way I could truly open the door to grief- simply because I wasn't often allowed the expression of deep emotions, so in order to truly "feel" my feelings, I had to go there. I don't stay there though. What I'm talking about is the enemy. He made a great case for God being an awful, unfaithful liar- and I believed him for a bit. It was easier than accepting the harsh reality of the circumstances and knowing there is no way around- just through. I didn't want to be brave. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I didn't want to have to walk through the fire anymore. My current circumstances were coming in direct conflict with the promises God made and I had a choice to make. I couldn't make that choice without some help, though, because there was something MISSING from my relationship with God. You see- from a very early age, I learned to be responsible for myself. I was child and parent in a lot of situations that should never have been. I provided for myself a way out, I protected myself. I made things happen so that I wouldn't experience pain... God knows this. He knew that I needed a revelation of Him as FATHER. Papa. As someone who was fully capable of taking care of what belonged to him- and wouldn't burden me with something that was no longer mine to carry. He knew that I needed to know this part of his character, otherwise I could make no further progress, and I would always be fearful of crumbling underneath harsh circumstances. But- when your Father is big and strong and loving? There is no room for fear
At the same time all of the above was happening, there had been placed on me a burden of false responsibility in regards to my mother, siblings and grandmother. All the SHOULDS and things I did wrong in their eyes came flooding forward. I noticed a distinct shift after my last conversation with my grandmother and that thought "it's all just been too much" was suddenly on repeat. I couldn't seem to get out from underneath it.
After my friend prayed, I had an immediate understanding that I had been carrying around this responsibility that had been placed on me through guilt and shame. I had internalized all the guilt, shame, condemnation and judgement that had been thrown at me by my family- all the things a "loving" daughter should and shouldn't do. Not only that, but I kept myself from experiencing the good and healthy relationships he has surrounded me with to HEAL me because I felt I didn't deserve it. Well- after that prayer- that thinking was gone. I had an understanding that I was HIS child, and that those things that had been placed on me by others were things I was no longer to partner with. Whow. It blows my mind!
Not only that- but I was able to internalize his kindness and compassion over the loss of my babies. There came a deeper understanding of the will of God- and this was not his will. Death, disease, etc- those were never in His will for us. Instead, I ask Him "Who do you want to be for me RIGHT NOW?" and the peace comes. The comfort comes. I can be disappointed and angry and sad with Him. I can feel my feelings, the sting of pain that comes unexpectedly- and he cares. He loves me. He is not indifferent to our suffering.
So, my prayer for anyone reading this is that you would have an experiential understanding of who God is for you right now. That we would sink our roots down deep into the love of God in such a way, that we would know that NO MATTER WHAT COMES- we are anchored in the One who loves us.
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