I don't know how to do this...

I feel like this on an almost daily basis...my father recently passed away, and I don't know what to do with my mom. The pain is overwhelming...and I cannot carry hers. If you knew my mother and her propensity to cling to you and suck the life out of you, (however unintentionally) perhaps you could understand my dilemma.

I wasn't given the room as a child to express my emotions and feelings about things, although I highly doubt this was on purpose. Both of my parents came from fairly dysfunctional families, and did the best they could under extremely overwhelming circumstances. It's no wonder that now, even still, in her presence, I am silenced...I fear her disapproval, her criticism. All I really want is for her to accept me as I am, and not make snide remarks about how I "need help" getting my house organized (and REALLY...it is NOT that bad!)...we bought a fixer upper, and that's exactly where we are at...fixing it up! But that's besides the point...

I don't know how to help her. I closed my heart off to her a long, long time ago, and it is difficult to want to open it again for fear that she will see what's inside and want to discard it like yesterday's garbage...for fear that she will gain access and lose sight of the boundaries. She is a boundary-less person,  and likes it that way, it appears. Which would explain why she tries to control everything and flips out when it doesn't go according to plan.

The hardest part about my dad dying, was not his death, per se...it was the life that was left behind him. My dad and I were very close, and I would take a stab and say that he and I were the closest out of the other kids. I just seemed to get him, and he me. In a way, I felt like I lost the only one who really cared about me, and cared about me more than his pride.

The hardest part about forgiveness is walking the tightrope of letting go of the past, and using WISDOM with your heart in the present...God says to "guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life." Your heart contains all that you are, and it is worth fighting for. So mom, please forgive me if I don't let you in so easily.

I don't know how to do this right...there is no book where i can flip to, say, chapter 19-your mom is slightly crazy, has broken your heart, your dad is now dead, and she is sucking the life out of you- and how to push her away gently! Ha... I wish! But, this is a lesson I believe God is affording me...to learn to use my voice. I always felt the need to go to others for advice, for their approval of an idea or thought (I still kind of do). I never felt completely comfortable making a decision on my own. I would be plagued with PARALYZING fear...paralyzing...what if I made a horrible mistake? What if I let someone down, or hurt someone? the list goes on and on. This lesson He is affording me is the opportunity to be myself...fully and completely myself, with the ability to fail, and the ability to greatly succeed! And in the process, not only will I gain self confidence, but I will learn more of His heart for me.

So, there are so many things I wish I had known when I was younger...but, even if I had, I don't think I could have handled it. I'm thankful that I am learning this while my marriage and child are young so I can grow from this!