Well, to start off with, I am a wife to my best friend, and mother to one beautiful 5 month old girl. She lights up my life in ways I didn't know were possible. She is my joy, and I am reminded of God's love and grace for me every time I look at her beautiful face. My purpose in writing this blog is to process things for myself, but also to share my journey with the Lord, share my story of His mercy and ultimately to bring others to know Him.
This year has been a hellish whirlwind. If you could picture a person standing on the edge of a rocky cliff with waves crashing up against the rocks, the wind blowing and rain thundering down...that was my life this year.
On December 26th, 2009, my dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor- glioblastoma multiforme. Terminal brain cancer. They told us with radiation and chemotherapy, and based on his age and previous health, that he would live MAYBE 14 months. They took out the majority of the brain tumor 5 days after Christmas and began radiation and chemotherapy 2 weeks later. All things considered, he tolerated the treatment pretty well with few side effects. The tumor seemed to stay put without much growth for quite a while until August, 2010, where in spite of treatment, it continued to grow. Since he had received the lifetime max of radiation, that was no longer a treatment option, so they changed chemotherapy agents, and again, seemed to slow the growth of the tumor but didn't completely kill it. In December, after it became obvious that Avastin (The latest chemotherapy agent) was no longer working, the only two options were hospice or seeing if he qualified for a clinical trial.
He did in fact qualify for the clinical trial, which included excision of as much of the tumor as possible, and injecting stem cells into the tumor cells that had been trained to kill cancer. He and my mom stayed in the hospital in California over Christmas (our second Christmas without my dad), and returned a few weeks before my baby was born.
It was at that time, that his physician reviewed his follow up MRI and they discovered that in spite of all efforts, the tumor was growing and that we should consider hospice. Worst. Day. Ever. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it to see my baby girl come into this world. I was praying that she would come before he was unable to understand who she was or love on her a little bit before he left to be with the Lord.
She was born January 20th, at 8:31 am. One of the best, and worst days of my life. It was beautiful, my labor was a piece of cake, and I felt as if in the midst of the worst kind of heartache, God had given me the treasure of her life to care for. It was the worst day as well, because I could see my dad, struggling to take it all in and muster the energy to be present when all he wanted to do was sleep. It is a heartache I cannot describe, and I fear that no matter how much time passes, the ache will always remain.
During all of this (as if it weren't enough to handle already), I was just starting to learn how dysfunctional my life was, and had been. I felt a lot of anger towards my mom, but never really understood why. I had a few painful memories of things she had done, and a lot of painful memories of things she had said, but somehow I couldn't acknowledge them as my feelings...it was like I wasn't entitled to feel the pain. I knew that it was time to do some searching, get some counsel and really understand the heartache I was feeling and why in the world I felt so guilty!!!
It was a painful, hard task. It meant that I had to look at my mom and see her for who she was and the things she had done. I could no longer pretend that she was perfect, but instead had to face the fact that yes, she was abusive...abusive in her words and actions. She was mean spirited, controlling and manipulative. I had to look at those things and then find something about her to love. I had to forgive her and no longer require her to pay the price for those awful things. I had to acknowledge my feelings. That her words had cut me to the very core of who I was and changed me. The broke my spirit and marred me. I was left handicapped, ill prepared to deal with life. What made it even more confusing was that she could be very sweet, giving and nice. My poor little heart didn't have a chance at understanding.
It is by the grace of God that I stand today. Somehow, He managed to get a hold of me, lead me to safe pasture, and has redeemed me (is redeeming me I should say) from a life of heartache, pain and brokenness. I don't know how He did it, or is doing it, only that He is.
It is a hard thing to look at the past, full of dark clouds, pain and brokenness, and have to leave it there. To know that you cannot change a thing, but try and make sense of it all, take from it what you can, and move ahead. It makes absolutely no sense.
I now understand why all of those years, even as a child, feeling so lost, depressed, out of place. I now know why the very first song I wrote was called "bless the child who walks alone."
I will go into more detail about that later...
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