Feels so counterproductive to me...moving backwards in order to move forwards. I understand that one can spend too much time "surveying the ruins" as it were, and I pray to God I don't stay here. But it is a necessary part of the healing process, understanding the past in order to move forward in the present. I never allowed myself to feel the pain, the hurt, frustration and ANGER, and now it is time. As I think I mentioned before, I have been studying attachment so to better understand how to meet my own daughter's needs, and I found while I was doing that an understanding of my mother and myself came up.
My mother was neglected and abused as a child. I don't know all of the details, but I can see now how this changed her brain function and influenced her actions We now know that cortisol, while it helps us in dangerous situations, can damage and even destroy those precious developing neurons- yikes! This is why the "cry it out" sleep solution is not recommended, because cortisol is released when babies cry. They NEED to be reassured that everything is going to be okay otherwise they literally develop a sense of hopelessness and despair, leaving them prone to anxiety in the future because those neurons are damaged.
I get angry sometimes that when she knew something was wrong- when she felt it in herself that "she" was not ok- that she didn't do anything about it and continued on her way, leave chaos and pain in her path. Although I understand why she did the things she did and have a better understanding of her actions, I don't understand why she never got help. I know that the enemy had her believing lies- that she was worthless, that she was a victim to her past and therefore this was just the way she would live her life.
I learned how to be really good at hiding my emotions- I learned how to shut off my facial expressions so that I didn't show my displeasure at her actions, or my pain at the hurtful things she would say. I buried it deep inside until I became a ball of tangled emotions, fear and rage. When emotions would rise up, I didn't know what to do with them because it was never really "okay" to have them, and certainly if they made my mother feel bad about her actions or behavior, it was not okay to share them. To her it meant that she was a failure or that I was "better" than her if I showed any dislike over things she said or did. She felt that I was judging her constantly, when I was simply so sad at her outbursts of anger and beyond exhausted of pretending things were okay.
I mentioned this before, but as I started to change and began realizing that I didn't want to live my life being anxious and afraid, and began seeking God for my healing, her anger, bitterness and jealousy of me only intensified. She became more distant and cruel. To her, it felt like a slap on the face- after all, she was seeing me overcome the things which she had not (yet). She was faced with the reality that she had believed lie after lie over her life, and the very few times I did share my thoughts on anxiety and how to overcome, she would come up with excuses and all the reasons why she thought I was making my "recovery" up. She even went as far as to talk to others about how "her healing could not be possible, she is just making it up."
There was an instance when her rage, bitterness and anger came spewing out. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to go off antidepressants, and would really appreciate her support. She didn't like the timing and discouraged me from doing so, but I felt impressed that God was with me and it was time to overcome this. Anyway, after hearing her disapproval, I decided not to bring it up again, not to seek her support and instead to surround myself with those that would be encouraging. It was Christmas eve and we were at a church service. I honestly don't even remember what brought it up, but all of a sudden she turned to me and said " I don't know why you think you deserve better than what we gave you." I was too stunned and hurt to even speak. I didn't believe I deserved better than her! I believed she too could have the wholeness and healing that I sought after, but she was too disillusioned by her own pain to even understand what I was saying. Instead, she only felt bitterness.
I can tell you one thing. I am NOT the same person I was. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, some times are worse than others. My identity is not in the fact that I have been healed, but rather that Jesus clothes me in righteousness and I have victory over all things. I have been set free from the spirit of oppression that resided in me for my entire life. I am grateful that with the help of counselors, doctors and occasionally medicine, I am becoming more whole, and more the person God created me to be before my parents and this world messed me up. I can tell you that my story of healing is NOT just for me, but is an example of what God can and will do for anyone willing to take the journey. I believe that God will use me to touch my mother's life, and that in time, she too will receive His healing for her wounded heart.
It's all a part of the not so lovely process. But Praise and Glory be to God- who heals all our diseases, and allows us to walk along the heights. He truly is the reason for the season.
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