Well- it feels a little bit like a roller coaster over here. I just finished reading "Stormie"- a book written by a woman who was abused by her mentally ill mother and how she came to forgive her and be restored. Granted, my story is not that bad- but I learned something valuable. She helped me to understand why my mom was the way she was. In her heart, I know she didn't mean to hurt us, but nonetheless she did. Understanding WHY helped me to grasp that there was nothing wrong with me- it was all her.
So, we went to lunch the other day. Just her, myself and my daughter. This is a big deal- as I would almost never ordinarily go out of my way to be alone with my mother. But I prayed before hand, asking God to go before me as He always does. And He did! Big surprise : ) I felt peace about it and I wasn't anxious about meeting her (this is huge!)
Anyway, so I felt okay with asking her about her relationship with her mother- what kind of abuse did she suffer? What had she done to her? I figure maybe I can better understand why she is the way she is, and maybe I can learn something about myself here too. She shared that indeed it was mostly neglect- and that in general, she felt like her mother didn't like her. She didn't ever remember happy memories with her mother. She said "My mom's actions and words did to me what mine did to you." I am still shocked that she is admitting these things and talking candidly about them. For so long- aka my entire life- she has been defending herself. I just nodded as she continued.
She knows that she has anxiety because of the neglect and abuse. As I explained before, we know that neglect damages the brain through a hormone called cortisol. I have no doubt that this left her prone to anxiety, depression and a constant state of rage. Understanding this has diffused some huge fears that I had about mental illness, anxiety and depression. My whole life I had been told that anxiety ran in our family so I better "watch out!"! What a load of crap. ABUSE runs in our family, leading to anxiety and depression. It is not of some organic cause. This diffused huge, long time fears that I carried in myself of becoming mentally ill, or of my children having anxiety disorders and the like.
I asked her if she knew how wounded she was when she got married and she replied that she had no idea. She knew she always felt "abnormal", but didn't know until my littlest brother was born (I was 8), how extensive the damage was. At this time, she had a complete nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. She proceeded to tell me that she thought she could somehow make a life out of what she created in her mind without realizing she had none of the necessary tools to do it. Much less, she married someone who had a whole slew of dysfunctions, exposing some of her deepest fears and insecurities, creating even more chaos in the home.
I then asked her what caused her to change her mind, as every time I would try and state my case, she would deny my feelings, tell me that I was wrong, that I was judgemental, critical, etc. She said that she realized it didn't matter anymore if she was right...she knew she hurt me, and she then came to realize that everything I had said was true. Let me repeat that "Everything you said was true." Wow. I still don't have words for this. I feel like for the first time I don't have to second guess my perception, or my analysis of things- her confirming how I felt somehow released a confidence that I am okay. It also diffused some anger. When a parent makes you feel bad about yourself, blames you for "making their life a living hell" as she would often say, or just in general doesn't love you, it leaves a deep-seated sense of worthlessness in WHO YOU ARE...not just a part of you, but all of who you are somehow becomes "bad". It is a terrible way to live.
It is slowly becoming easier and easier to put away the anger. I have been praying for the last two years SOLID for God to expose the truth to her, to cause any misguided thinking to be made right. I prayed for restored relationship- but I never actually thought I would see it. I have been praying for God to restore her heart and her life, and I have no doubt that my dad's death spurned a huge turnaround in her. I truly thought I would take this pain with me to the grave. The pain of not having a mother to love you, but instead belittles and mocks you. Not having a mother to share your pregnancies with, the joys and troubles of life with. At other family's parties, I would envy the mother and daughter relationships where there was warmth, laughter and enjoyment of their company. I would leave with a deep sadness and realization of what I never had but always longed for. But we serve a good God. Not only has he put other women in my life to help heal that wound but I believe He is now restoring the relationship with my own mother. His ways are higher than mine- asking me to forgive not only healed my heart, but I believe it is healing hers. ONLY God can do something so cool. Only God.
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