In learning about this illness, I came to understand how her brain, from a very young age, was trained to respond out of fear and hopelessness, rejection and shame- this is called functioning in the primitive or lower brain- functioning solely out of the lymbic (sp?) system (emotion center of the brain). The emotion center of the brain is formed very early in life and shaped by how well an infant attaches and is secure in their environment and with their caregiver. Research shows that at least 3/4 of people diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) had some form of early childhood trauma. Obviously, the more severe, usually the worse the illness is. Without intervention, they grow up never evolving or learning new skills or learning new ways of coping. When a situation arises where someone of "normal" brain function would be able to think rationally, reason through it, and respond appropriately, their brain actually bypasses reason and goes straight to reaction. I've heard it said they live life our of a series of knee jerk reactions. Their manipulation is usually not intentional- but comes out of a desperate need to control, to get back to safety.
It is incredibly saddening to me. However much of a relief it is that I know there is a name, and a treatment, I cannot imagine the torment it must be to live life on a roller coaster. I've had the unfortunate experience of being along for the ride and that was more than enough for me- it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But the struggle remains- they have to choose treatment. I had wondered what it would take for my mom to realize it wasn't the rest of us with a problem, as one by one, people started pulling away from her because of the difficulty of being in relationship with an unstable person- thinking this has got to be the bottom! But it never is. I can't even put the sadness into words.
It is all starting to make sense now- the intense chaos I felt as a child, the craving to just be invisible, yet wanting desperately to be seen. The hesitation I often felt in being near her. Feeling at the age of 8 that I was on my own. That there was no one to listen to me, to play with me or care about my needs. Please understand, while I have my share of very painful memories, she was also kind and loving- which made it all the more a confusing mess.
The journey is difficult- not just the part about seeing the reality for what it is, but taking ownership of the bad behaviors you learned that come much more naturally than the good behaviors you are supposed to have. For example- if you saw on a regular basis either you or your siblings being yelled at, grabbed by the arm in a forceful manner, being punished inappropriately (meaning punishment that was not given as a learning objective, but out of anger), etc- this is what comes naturally. That doesn't mean you can't learn from it and become better, learn self control and have patience- it just means it isn't the first thing that pops into your head when your child is acting out.
Every time I see my sweet child's face, and I feel that anger rise up in me because of her disobedience, I am learning a few key things to take ownership of my own responsibility as her parent:
First- I pray- I cry out to God IN THAT MOMENT to help me-I ask out loud- one because it helps me to get out of my funk of thinking, and second because I know what it was like to be yelled at, berated, made to feel ashamed and stupid for minor infractions. I absolutely do not want my children growing up afraid of me, and thank God I get a choice.
Second, I take a step back and remind myself "how can I make this teachable? Yes- I know I'm upset because she is throwing food on the floor for the 100th time today and I'm going to have to sweep again and my house will never be clean...but what is my priority here? My own selfishness or her security?"- and yes, I will do this until it becomes NATURAL for me to respond with patience and grace...I don't care how long it takes. Plain and simple, children physically cannot learn when they are afraid- so do this in a way that teaches them grace. If I need to and feel like at any point I could possibly snap and say something mean, then I don't discipline at all. It's simply not worth the damage.
Third- I hold myself accountable. First to God, then my husband and a few other trusted friends who I know will lovingly correct me and accept me when I mess up- but also refuse to let me get away with it. I realize this may sound extreme to some people, but I know the way I was raised and what was ingrained in my psyche before I had a choice in the matter- I don't take this lightly.
Parenting is hard...it is not meant for the cowardly and selfish. There- I said it. We all have that tendency to want easy, want it our way, etc, but children do not exist for our selfish motives, and they don't exist for our happiness. God will use our children to help us to grow and develop the fruits of the spirit (love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control...hello! I'm feeling some conviction!), and we should humbly accept his "gift" to us. Parenting is a flesh killer, at the very minimum. It will test every fiber of your being (well, maybe not yours, but it certainly has mine!).
I realize I went on a tangent or a bunny trail- maybe I'll end up separating this blog into two separate posts later. But for now, this will have to do : )
God bless you today! Remember- God is our help!
Andrea
No comments:
Post a Comment