Insecurity

Insecurity may be the feeling that I loathe the most. Why? Because it makes people do stupid things. Things that they would otherwise, on a good day, month, or year, never do. I've struggled with a lot of things over the course of the last few years, not the least of which is insecurity. I've been exposed in a lot of ways because the healing process requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can bring correction as well as praise. This has been my season of correction. Not necessarily because I've done anything wrong,  per se, but there are certain thought patterns, defense mechanisms and coping skills that are being exposed and they are not adequate for living as a healthy adult.  It is first of all painful, but most importantly humbling and healing.

Hebrews 12:11 says " For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]."

To give you a a visual, I once had a 2 year old patient who was run over by a riding lawn mower. His entire left leg was mangled, and his foot almost completely severed. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering the pain this little guy endured for months in the hospital following the accident. He had terrible anxiety over the doctors and nurses who took care of him. Not only that, but the healing process was rigorous and grueling. This is something that most adults would have a hard time processing. Two year olds are not capable of coping with something of that magnitude. Needless to say, he had to have major surgery to put the pieces of his mangled flesh back together and to have the skin grafted so that the wounds could heal properly. We then had to change his bandage and clean out the dead skin every few days so that new skin could grow, and also to prevent infections. Of course we would medicate for these procedures, but the pain he experienced was ongoing, even though the results would bring healing and restoration to his leg. He was required to expose every area of the wound so that we could send him home a healed boy, not a mangled mess.  He of course would then have to go through physical therapy to regain strength in his leg, and to relieve stress off the other joints that were overcompensating. 

I often think of this little guy as I have endured my own healing process. The exposing of the wound is often the hardest part. It requires vulnerability- something most "victims" of abuse or hurt are not easily willing to do. It is much easier to cover up the pain with grandiose thinking, making oneself look better on the outside so that people don't reject what's on the inside, or exposing only the things we deem "good enough" as to avoid rejection. But, it is necessary to find at least one safe person with which we can be vulnerable and expose our woundedness to. 

I have noticed over the last little while, that the insecurities in my heart have seemed to become louder, even as I progressed in the healing process, as if raising their voice so that I would finally pay attention, much like my toddler likes to do. As I said before, insecurities can make us do stupid things to get our needs met.  Things that can cost us relationships, jobs, ministries, etc. It makes us cling to others who we have no business clinging to, can make us stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are love starved, get a boob job or have botox injections (not that those things are inherently wrong!), bully others, or become overly critical of other's flaws. Ultimately, it ought to lead us to the only one who can really meet our needs met- Jesus- but sometimes we take detours and experience great amounts of pain on the way down to our knees. 

I, for example, seek to please- "does anyone see that I am good? look at all this work I'm doing! Hey! Why aren't you calling anymore? Why aren't you giving more to this relationship? Hey! Don't you know I NEED YOU?!" And the list could go on,  and on and on. And I've realized that most people are not fond of being clung to- it makes them feel needed instead of wanted, and suffocated at the same time. Also, there aren't many humans who can handle the depth of our brokenness and need. I have been blessed with a few who can so I trust my broken parts to them when I need to. 

So, what do we need when we are insecure? Unconditional love, security, and affirmation that our worth is fixed and will not be threatened because of weakness, sin, pain or bad behavior. If we are to have a childlike relationship with our Heavenly Father, then our need first and foremost must be met in Him. I think of my daughter- most of the time, her behavior points to her need. When I'm talking on the phone, she starts yelling and wailing at me- because she wants attention. On the days or weeks where I have overbooked our schedule, she becomes more demanding over little things, bossy and somewhat controlling. She resists naps because she wants to sit with me This is now my cue that she needs time with me. She needs to know that she is still mine, and my love for her is not going anywhere. 

I think of how prevalent bullying is in elementary and jr high now. Most of these children are deeply insecure and are bullied at home. How do they deal with it? By bullying others, acting our or getting into trouble. I read a study recently of a high school principal on the East Coast who simply began asking kids "tell me about what's going on in your life" when they were behaving poorly- what he found was that most of these kids were in a profound amount of pain, and were simply crying out for attention. Once he got his staff on board to begin disciplining differently, aka, asking about how the kid is doing vs doling out punishment, their detention rate went down a WHOPPING 60%! 60%!!! In one year...astonishing. 

What I have been learning is that all behavior is purposeful. If we follow the bunny trail, it will reveal what is really going on inside. What is driving us in certain directions and what is causing pain. For example, the other day, I had a thought of something nice my mother did for me, and immediately I became angry and critical of her. I suddenly realized my anger was just a mask for how deeply I still wanted my mother to love me and take interest in my life. Once I realized that was where the anger was coming from, I stopped harassing myself for being angry, and took my pain to Jesus. I was able to grieve it and also recognize the dysfunctional thinking pattern involved. We have to be willing to go there or we will never walk in wholeness.

So, all that to say, that no discipline (which really is teaching) is pleasant at the time, but WILL reap a harvest of peace and righteousness to those who are being trained by it. We can trust that our Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit care deeply for our pain, and will not mock or shame us- even as repulsive as our behavior can be because of the wound.