It's been an interesting few weeks. I've had an odd sense of peace about something I've never been able to really fully consider, much less NOT be anxious about. The mother I've adopted as my own used to say "You'll know it's right because you'll have peace about it." The only problem is, I didn't have peace about the things other people would normally have peace about. I have struggled with fear most of my life, I still do, although the more intimately I know Jesus, the more that fear fades...Anyway, back to my point. I truly had no real grasp of what she meant by that.
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
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