She's at it again.

It's been a while since I've posted. As I've mentioned, I wrote a letter and explained in the kindest, most detailed way possible, that I am taking a break from my mother. Her behavior continues to be destructive, and I cannot grow and heal in that relationship with her. I knew when I made this decision that there was a very real possibility of an uprising of sorts from my siblings. I did not inform them that I was sending this letter, for several reasons. I knew they would eventually find out and I didn't want them getting any more involved than they already were.

I did hear from my sister right away, as she had heard from my mom who was only claiming how hurt she was by the letter and how mean I am being. My sister wanted to read the letter and I told her "no. This is between mom and I. Just know that I was as kind as possible, but this is something I needed to do for me." I could tell this didn't settle well with my sister, but I didn't feel it was my job to make her feel ok about a decision that really had nothing to do with her. You see, my mom has this amazing way of sucking people in, lying to them, and getting them to believe she is the victim. She then sends said people on arrends to accuse and harass me.

Nothing happened for a while, then, out of the blue, I got the dreaded facebook message from my mom "Why won't you let me see you? Why are we not friends on Facebook?  I want to see your daughter. I don't understand how this jives with your post on forgiveness yesterday." I ignored this, because she knows she is not supposed to contact me. Well, low and behold. I got a message from my sister "did you unfriend mom from Facebook?" My body then took over. I began shaking and crying. Why? I really don't know. I told her, kindly, that yes, I did unfriend mom. We are not in a relationship and it is time that people accept that this is the reality of mom and my relationship- there is none. And there will not be until she gets the help she needs. And then she dropped the true meaning behind her asking "It's just that you posted this long thing on forgiveness, but your actions speak otherwise." My first reaction was anger. It was clear that she had been talking to my mom, although when I asked her, she said she had not. Or perhaps it was a coincidence. I took the opportunity I had been praying for and told her what forgiveness REALLY means:

       Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. If someone rapes you, would you invite   them over for christmas dinner? My guess is probably not. But would you be able to forgive them? If you chose to, then yes. To forgive someone means to release them from the debt they owe you, and to bless them. This is a process, not an event. It takes time and guidance to move through the emotions necessary to releasing an offender, ESPECIALLY if there is repeated offense. Reconciliation is dependent on both parties- forgiveness takes one party. Forgiveness is necessary for your own healing but does not mean that you will automatically reconcile. As in the case with my mother, she has continually shown me that she is not a healthy person, and she is not interested in entering into a mutually healthy relationship, therefore, reconciliation is not possible under those terms. 

And then I did something I have needed to do for years: I spoke my truth. I asked my sister point blank "What in my actions has been unforgiving? Have I ever unleashed my rage upon my mother, tearing her down emotionally or speaking maliciously about her? Have I messaged her friends telling her how awful she is? Have I falsely accused her and lied about her behind her back? Not once. Never. I have never tried to retaliate for what she has done." Her response "I don't know what to say." Well, good. At least I got her thinking. 

This issue between my mother has brought up some interesting dynamics. Dynamics that have probably always been there, they were just masked under other things. It seems that my siblings are experiencing the pressure that I have felt from my mom all these years now that I am not in the picture to absorb it, or take the brunt of it. It is obvious to me that they are held under some control she has over them- I know what that is because I was once in that place. I have one brother who is blaming me for the family falling apart. One sister who is in denial and is accusing me of things she has no evidence of. It is super painful. I don't even know what to do with how I feel right now. Everything I feared is happening. Which brings up a good question: knowing it would go this far, would I change my decision? No. I don't even have to think twice about this one. Why? For me, it comes down to what I can tolerate. I can tolerate, to some extent, being rejected for doing what I feel is right, being chosen over and ignored. I can deal with that. What I CANNOT tolerate is being lied to, being made to feel like I don't exist except to make a person happy, being talked down to and about behind my back. And all of this by my own mother...I won't say "yes" to that. So this pain-it is unfortunate. It is sad. I wish it didn't have to be. But it has only validated my decision.

Oh...and now she is emailing my mother in law, trying to paint a bad picture of me...this is what is called the campaign of denigration...you can read up on that here:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html