Worth fighting for.

Since my last post, not a whole lot has changed. My mother is trying to paint a picture of me that is false to the people that I love and feel safe with. It is extremely hurtful, but unfortunately not the first time she has done this. Somehow- I manage to forget that she does these things until it happens again, and Im forced to remember the very nature of my mother. It is also not uncommon among Borderline's to use this campaign of denigration (read about it here http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html?m=1)  as a form of retaliation on the person whom she feels has abandoned her. If she can't get to me, than she will use others to get to me. And she will try to destroy relationships with those who are close to me in order to bring me down as well, either to harm me or to get me to come back to her. Even though I knew what my mother was doing in her latest email to my mother in law, and I knew she was wrong, it still hurt quite a bit that she is lying about me. She blatently lied to make me look bad, telling my MIL that I refuse to talk to my siblings and that she is "concerned" that I  am mentally unstable... because according to her, me setting clear blundaries and sticking to them, indicates my mental instability. First of all- I do speak to my siblings. I engage them in conversations about their lives.  I am genuinely interested in their daily lives. I do not, however, engage in triangulating conversations regarding my mother. and given the number of times my mother had received information from my siblings, I have chosen to be very careful what information I share with them.

At first, I felt helpless. I wanted to jump right back in the ring, defend myself and maybe theow a few punches. I felt angry, and I cried. My own mother is lying about me and exaggerating my past struggle with anxiety to paint a picture of mental instability. If I were to stand up and get in the ring with her and try to defend myself, she would only use that as evidence that I am mentally ill or unstable or emotionally explosive- as if showing strong emotion or setting clear boundaries indicates that? You see... borderlines are very good at making one look and feel crazy. they trap you into corners, and then mock you as you stand defenseless. You cannot win with a borderline, so the only way to "win" is to stay out of the game. My husband hates this. He wants me to jump in and knock her out. And as much as sometimes I would love to do that, I know that it will do no good.

I didn't know what to do with this new information. My own mother. Flesh and blood. Ouch. I gave myself time to let it sink in, and I didn't shut myself down when the anger came. I am learning that it passes much quicker if I don't suppress it. Mind you, I'm not raging, throwing things through walls or breaking mirrors...I'm simply feeling it. Anger is one of those emotions that is often shunned in church circles, but it is a God given emotion and is often useful for helping define personal boundaries. It also helps us to know when we need to move forward and confront something:

       John 2:13-17 "Now the Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up   

     to Jerusalem. ¹⁴ And He found in the temple those who sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers doing business. ¹⁵ When He had made a whip of cords, He drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen, and poured out the changers’ money and overturned the tables. ¹⁶ And He said to those who sold doves, “Take these things away! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” ¹⁷ Then His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for Your house has eaten^[a] Me up.”^[b

I imagine Jesus must have felt intensely angry for him to have been able to drive out sheep and oxen out single handedly, AND turn over the money changer's tables. The anger he felt led him to confront what was going on in God's house that was not ok. Anger is a God given emotion- but it is not to be used to harm others. This is where we have to pray, and perhaps get counsel on how to experience our anger in a way that will lead to healing, and then learn what to do with our anger. And- we cannot forget that Jesus was fully human. He was humanity in its best form. We cannot forget that when God made us, with our wide range of emotions and emotional expressions- he called his work GOOD. And a huge  part of our redeeming and restoring process is  to have healed emotions. 

I woke up this morning in a funk. I wanted out of the process. A pity party may or may not have been thrown.  I was not agreeing with God's plan on this- even though He has given me some insight as to what that plan is, and I have some idea as to what He is up to.  I'm not loving the walking-it-out part at the moment- it hurts. Truth be told, I want my family to leave me alone. I want to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" I don't know what else to say to them that would make them understand, and they don't really seem to be coming from a place where they want to understand me anyway, so what's the point? I had several moments where I didn't want to use my shield of faith and withstand the enemy- I wanted to give in to self pity. I didn't want to live up to my name "Strong and able." I wanted a break. 

At some point, I have to be okay with the fact that I know that God has led me here- even when others accuse me. I know that I am in the right, and that God is for me in this. This is where the rubber meets the road. There will always be opposition when we make right choices- especially where the enemy is involved. He wants nothing more than for us to stop short of our inheritance in Christ. What is our inheritance then? This is a short list: We are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17),  we are adopted and we can call God our father (Romans 8:15), we have a defender who stands between us and all false accusations- we do not need to defend ourselves (Isaiah 49:25). Accusation always comes from the enemy- by the way. Jesus stands in the gap between everything we have lost, all of our hurts and failures and makes a way for us to be whole. 

This is part of the renewing of our minds- exchanging one thought for another thought. Out of fear and hyper-vigilence, I look around afraid of what will come next. Jesus tells us to look to him- the author and finisher of our faith. Not to look around and be afraid (Isaiah 41:10) because He promises to be our God. So, when the thoughts and fears come, I have to choose to hold God to his word, to not look around and be afraid or terrified. I might be angry, afraid, hurt, rejected- but He will do as he promised for me and YOU. For every problem, there is a provision. It is worth fighting for.