As you know, I had the dreaded conversation with my sister about a week ago. I thought it went well. I respected her, and agreed to disagree, if you will. She seemed to understand what I was saying and my need for boundaries. I was firmer than I had ever been with her, and did tell her some of the nonsense that my mother has been up to recently- aka- emailing my MIL suggesting that I am mentally unstable. She showed no genuine concern for the fact that my mother is lying about me behind my back, and only expressed anger at my MIL for showing me what my mom was up to.
During our phone conversation, my sister had mentioned that she had wanted to send me a letter- of what? Well...I was about to find out. I guess our conversation didn't go so well after all! I received an email from my sister. It started out nice enough, but soon turned sour. She began asking me AGAIN why I chose to go no contact with my mom. "I just don't understand why you won't let her see your daughter. Why you won't let her see you." It escalated from there to accusing me AGAIN of being unforgiving, vindictive and mean. She then went so far as to say that I can't just walk away and expect for them to welcome me back with open arms, as if I didn't hurt people in the process. But again, she showed no concern for the fact that I had been hurt by my mother and thus decided to not participate in family functions. She only showed concern for my mother- who clearly is playing the victim quite well. It was clear that my sister was not understanding me. Now, mind you, up until this point, I had explained myself 4 times- via text message, over the phone and in email. What else can I say? It became evident that she was not interested any longer in what I had to say- but in being right.
I explained to her in further detail what it means to have a boundary and keep a boundary. I explained to her that it would actually be cruel and unkind if I said "hey mom, no contact for now, okay?" and then chose to contact her whenever I wanted, sending her gifts, messages etc. because I would actually be violating my own boundary. I explained to her that I didn't do any of these things to be mean, but to be as clear as possible about where I stand in the relationship. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall.
I told her that I felt like she was really disappointed in my decision, and that she had made up her mind about me and my decisions and was not happy about it. I told her I was sorry for that, but the boundary isn't changing. It finally came out that she was resentful of me for not meeting her expectations of my role as my mother's daughter. I told her that I was sorry for not meeting her expectations, but I could not make her more comfortable with my decision, and perhaps she would need to discuss that with a counselor. She agreed, and stated something to the effect "I just don't know what to do to make the hurt go away." Well, for starters, look at the actual source of the pain! Don't look at me. Blame shifting will get you no where, but is a sure fire way to ruin relationships in a speedy manner.
Oy. My husband was not pleased that she wasn't backing down. I then received an email from my mother saying "just so you know, I haven't been telling people that you are mentally ill...I don't know who told you that." Ummm...where did she get that nice little tidbit? I know for a fact my friends aren't calling my mom telling her that piece of information. So, that leaves one person- my sister. When my sister and I had talked on the phone, I asked her straight out if she was sharing information with my mom, because there were a few instances where mom would email or text me and immediately after I had shared something with my sister. She said she had not...well, it appears then that she is lying.
My husband said "that's it. I'm talking to your sister. I'm sick and tired of this game they are playing against you." I wasn't really thrilled with the idea, but if he had an issue with my sister, then he had a right to address it.
He laid it out for her. He was firm, but truthful- and that's exactly what she needed- a big fat dose of truth. I won't get into all the details, but you can probably guess that my sis was NOOOOOOOTT happy. She texted me the next day saying "I don't understand how you can condone such abusive and ridiculous behavior from your husband." So, she considers my husband standing in for me, addressing the fact that she needs to seriously consider that mom is mentally ill and stop blaming me for what is my mother's fault abusive, but doesn't consider my mom's ill treatment of me to be abusive? That's interesting...I told her I hadn't read my husband's letter, but if she had an issue with him, I know he would be glad to discuss it and work it out. She then got angry that I didn't apologize for what my husband said (I did go back and read the letter- there was nothing inappropriate or unkind in the letter), and angry that I was supporting him. She stated that she would NEVER condone her husband to writing a letter like that behind her back. I told her that "If your husband had an issue with me, he has every right to bring that to my attention. That is all my husband was doing here." She didn't back down, and I was about to shut the conversation down, when she said "Well, I think we just need to not talk for a while." I said "yeah, I think that's best."
Alllllll of that shows me a few things:
1. My sister and I want two different things. She does not seem to be okay with my decisions and it feels like she is trying to intimidate me into changing my decision to make her more comfortable.
2. When under pressure, she reminds me a little too much of my mother. She went straight to character attacks when she was upset instead of acknowledging our different opinions and making peace with that.
3. She is lying to me- which shows me that she might not be a safe or trustworthy person either.
4. My family has some serious issues with communication. Not the least of which is triangulation and blame shifting.
I think my sister is probably feeling the pressure of my mom's behavior. I know that mom is talking about me to her, and knowing how much my mom perseverates on an issue, I wouldn't be surprised if it is the majority of what she is talking about. My sister does not seem to be aware that my mother's mental health is a serious issue, that she ought to take concern with that, and as such, does not seem to be able to understand the evil my mom is capable of, and is now taking my mother's side.
As much as this behavior from my sister doesn't surprise me, I am deeply hurt that she would reject my perspective, devalue my feelings and ultimately throw the relationship away all because she can't seem to keep herself out of the middle of an already complicated relationship.
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