Well, this holiday season has proven to be much different than years before. Mostly in good ways, but also in some painful and hard ways.
This is the first Christmas without my family. One by one I've had to set limits on individuals within my family. It has been a very painful, difficult process filled with many difficult decisions, but has proven to help me heal and grow.
**There is going to be some graphic description in the following text- if you don't want to read it, please consider yourself warned**
About 2 weeks ago, we went in for a follow up ultrasound to check on the health of the twins. I was still in unbelief that there were two growing babies in there, but was completely unprepared that neither would have a heartbeat at the most recent ultrasound. It was a horribly sad day. Blah. I hope to never experience that again.
Then began the wait to miscarry. My naturopath had given me some homeopathic drops to help with the process, but even with that it was a week and 5 days after I had learned that neither baby was living that I miscarried. For some reason, I had only anticipated heavy bleeding- not a birth experience. Boy was I in for a surprise!
My husband had gone to his final writing class for the quarter, and I began heavy cramping that was the equivalent of contractions pain wise. About an hour after they started, they became more frequent and incredibly painful. I called him and told him he needed to come home and take care of our toddler as the pain was barely tolerable at that point. When he got home, I came upstairs to get more comfortable and the cramping got worse. I coughed, and felt a large gush of fluid. I anticipated blood, or tissue or something but it appears that it was my water that broke, along with some tissue that appeared to be the amniotic sac. It was a large clot, and after I passed that the cramping subsided, but I continued to bleed heavily. I was able to relax and watch a movie. I thought the worst was over, but just a few hours later I started having very painful contractions again, and went upstairs for some reason. I went to brace myself and ended up collapsing on the floor from the pain. I just sat there and wept. It was so painful! I couldn't even yell for my husband, so I went to text him…but apparently he didn't have his phone on and it was on silent.
Somehow, I made it to the bathroom, and when I sat down, I felt another large gush and felt something passing from my body- it felt very large. I looked and while I didn't see the babies, it appeared the be the rest of my placenta and lining, etc, along with whatever else was inside of it. I was in so much pain that I was shaking and felt like vomiting, so I didn't get to take a good look and see if the babies were in there. After that, the pain subsided, but I was still bleeding heavily and we decided to go in an get checked out. Because of the amount of blood, they sent me to the ER where they planned to do a D&C to get any remaining tissue and to stop the bleeding. But by the time they admitted me and sent me up for ultrasound, the bleeding had almost completely stopped- Praise God. I am truly grateful for that! The ultrasound showed that the miscarriage was almost complete, with just some endometrium that needed to come out, which would likely be just like a period over the next few days.
As I was miscarrying, I wasn't really processing my emotions- I was in the zone, just like I was during labor with my daughter. The next day, however, it hit me that I was no longer pregnant, and the babies I was carrying (albeit just for a moment, it seems), were no longer. All the hope I had already invested in this pregnancy was now gone. The pictures I had ordered as announcements would now have to be thrown away. The weight I had gained was no longer excusable. Blah. It just sucked. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying. I felt guilty that I flushed them down the toilet and didn't get to give them a proper goodbye. I know that sounds crazy, but there is something maternal that kicked in from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and I wanted these two little lives to know that I loved them, even though I never got to hold them.
I am not devastated. I will cry my tears freely because it hurts and I am sad. But I also don't think this is the end for us. I know that we will most likely go on to have at least one more healthy pregnancy- although that's not entirely something I can control. I am not hopeless.
While this whole experience was a nightmare, I noticed that how I view emotions and how I process them has drastically changed over the last year. And to me, that is reason to celebrate. I came from a place where I did not process- I stuffed my emotions. I didn't allow myself to feel anger, much less tell God that I was angry, or sad, or hurt. But this time, I knew I needed the practice, and instead of hiding from God, I ran to him just as I was. Hurt, angry, sad, and scared. It was uncomfortable, but I didn't pretend I was anything else for the sake or fear of his holiness and goodness because He became fully human for me, and I am fully accepted as human with him.
And I realized something- when I come in whatever state I am- I always leave changed because I am able to receive from Him all of his goodness, compassion, love, comfort, mercy, kindness, and understanding. My perspective has done a 180 in the sense that now I come to God expecting to receive from him and have all my needs met. I don't come to perform, or only show him my good, shiny, and perfect parts. I come knowing that I am completely accepted. That in His eyes, I am not a wanderer who is lost, but a child who is home, welcome and complete in Him (as imperfect as I am.) This is a testimony of the complete and utter goodness of God to HEAL and RESTORE my life.
I will leave you with this verse, and I pray that in the coming weeks and months, that God would reveal himself more and more as a great high priest who is able and completely willing to sympathize with our every need, and also as the ONE who will graciously pour out His kindness and mercy in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
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