Whirlwind

It's been a while since I've posted.  It's been a crazy 10 weeks. I found out I was pregnant at the end of October. We were thrilled that it didn't take any time at all to get pregnant with our second child, but I was then faced with the dilemma of if/when/how to tell my family- as almost none of my side of the family is involved in my life right now.

There were a couple weeks of stressing and praying, and we finally decided the best option would be that we wouldn't tell them unless I am in relationship with them again. They are just not safe people, and given how horrendous my last pregnancy was (emotionally) the last time, I wanted as little drama to deal with as possible.

I had my first ultrasound around 7.5 weeks. When I went in, my nurse midwife did the early ultrasound and the yolk sac was only measuring about 6 weeks- no baby was seen attached to it yet, but I also knew I ovulate late, and my dating has always been off because of that. I knew, too, that 6 weeks is right on the cusp of being able to see baby and heartbeat. I had to wait another week to determine for sure if this pregnancy was viable- at which point I was not concerned.

At the second ultrasound, my husband was not able to go with me. I was nervous, only because of how negative my doctor was at the first ultrasound. The technician spent her time doing the full exam, and as she scanned across my uterus, there appeared a second baby. You can imagine my surprise! I started shaking, and asking her if I saw what I thought I saw- she said it most definitely looks like a fetal pole (aka baby), but only one baby had a heartbeat. The second baby was measuring a few days behind, but that wasn't uncommon either in a twin pregnancy. I was in such shock, I really didn't believe it. I didn't know what to think! My husband actually didn't believe me either. They told me that they wanted to see me back in 7-10 days to get a better look. I decided to wait until after Thanksgiving, to give them more time to grow.

I was not prepared for that visit. I was immediately uncomfortable with the technician, I really don't know why. But as she did the transvaginal ultrasound, I could tell that the babies hadn't grown at all. They were just as small as almost 2 weeks before and I knew I should have been able to clearly see the fluttering hearts and little nubs wiggling around. I saw neither. The heart that had once been beating was no longer. She said nothing but "I need to talk to the radiologist. I will be right back." I was immediately angry. We sat, waiting for almost 20 minutes before she came back. Again, she gave no answer as to what was going on, but told me they wanted to see me upstairs in OB. GRRR. Me, my husband and dear daughter walked upstairs and waited another 30 minutes for a doctor whom I had never met, to tell me what in the world was going on. And I still didn't believe it.

She was wonderful though, assertive, to the point, but kind. She informed me that the previous ultrasound, one fetus had a heart rate which was low. She asked me if I had been told that. I told her that I had not- or if they did tell me, I didn't fully grasp what that meant. She informed me that when they see a low heart rate early, it can indicate an abnormality with the heart and can lead to miscarriage- but there is nothing they can do about it so early. I just sat and listened. She told me that she was very sorry, but that the pregnancy was not viable. She went through the options of having a D&C or to give myself some time to miscarry at home. Because the babies were still only measuring about 6 weeks, I opted to miscarry naturally (if my body would allow), vs having a surgical procedure. I felt this should be done in the comfort of my own home.

I cried the whole way home.  I had just (literally the day before) ordered our Christmas cards which was the pregnancy announcement. I knew they would be arriving any day, and I no longer wanted to ever check my mail again. I thought my body would magically know that the babies had died, but apparently it can take weeks for your body to recognize that and miscarry. I've had cramping for a week and only now just started bleeding.

I know the facts, people miscarry- it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you (unless they are reoccurring), it usually means that there is a fetal abnormality that does not allow for their survival, and in that case, I am grateful that this has happened now and not 10 weeks or 20 weeks, or God forbid after the baby is born.

Husbands just don't know what to do. In their mind, we can try again. We will have more babies. My husband, though he was well meaning, said something very stupid on the way home that day. He said "Think of it this way! Now we can go snowboarding for our anniversary." I wanted to punch him in the throat. For them, there is no emotional connection until they are born, or later. But there is something mysterious and amazing where the mother bonds with the baby (or babies) simply by a matter of hormones the moment that test is confirmed. I can't explain it because it makes no sense to me that I would feel such immense grief over something I just barely even knew. Those hormones that make you feel bloated, cause your boobs to hurt and make you want to throw up are a constant reminder that you are pregnant and all the hope and dreams that come along with that. I was still feeling all of those things when I went in for my appointment. I no longer feel them now.

A friend of mine just lost triplets- one at 9 weeks, one at 17 weeks and the third baby @ 19 weeks. I don't even want to imagine what life is like for her right now.  I know that I have been spared an even more difficult journey, and for that I am grateful. But I am still very, very sad that I have lost two potential children, and sad that I have to try again. And to be honest, I don't know that I would have much tact or grace if one more person asks me when we are going to have more kids. Because just a week ago, I would have said "July 15th!"

I know that we will likely go on to have another healthy child, I'm not without hope. But it has been a whirlwind of 3 months.