Thankfulness

Well, It's been a while since Ive posted. Theres been a lot going on and I'm still kind of in a whirlwind.

I wrote in my last blog post that I was not going to see my mother before she died. Given that she was still adamant on not meeting me in a way that felt safe to me, I thought "what's the point?" I really did not want to go if it was going to turn our like every other interaction had been.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but she woke up one day out of her stupor and asked where I was. My grandma said "what do you mean?" My mom explained that she had thought she was talking to me and had I stopped by? My grandma said "no... M.E., why won't you just agree to meet with her on her terms?" And my mom said "well, fine." It must have occurred to her suddenly that this was the way she was going to leave the world- loose ends.

So, we got a call one evening that she had a agreed to see me with just my husband present. At first I was really upset. Why did she wait until the last minute? So I took my time processing that, but eventually realized I needed to go. I was anxious, of course...this was my abuser after all. Not exactly looking forward to the visit. But there were a lot of people praying and when the time came to go, I felt covered.

When I walked in, I started crying immediately. Not big sobs, just weeping. She started crying as well. She was kind. She asked us about our lives and what we had been up to. She made mention that she didn't know why we had drifted apart or what she had done, but that she was sorry. I didn't take the opportunity to discuss further, just acknowledged that I had already forgiven her and it wasn't something that needed discussion. She told me she was sorry that she wasn't there for me for the loss of my babies- that she should have been there for me. That was really hard for me to hear because I SO needed a mom during all of that.

It was very hard to see her in that state. A shriveled up version of herself. Skin and bones. She still had her nails painted nicely- appearance was always something that was very important to her.

It was a very surreal interaction. On one hand, I was very aware that this is the person who abused and bullied me for years- even recently. I was aware that I was interacting with a Borderline, and I could easily spot the borderline behaviors- yet, I was not triggered. She was on her best behavior and for that I am very grateful. Who knows how long it would have taken me to recover from that. We left after an hour because we had to pick up our daughter and get her to bed. I left feeling grateful for the interaction, knowing that I had been completely covered. That God had somehow taken over and she was not . It felt like a "supervised" visit, if you will. She was on er best behavior.

We visited two more times after that, and brought  our daughter to see her was when she was 18 months old. DD was excited to meet her and my mom just soaked it up. My mom did bring up some " off limit topics" but I manouvered around them. After that I felt like that was more than enough goodbyes for me and we didn't go back. It wasn't long after that that she passed away.

The funeral was...interesting. It was strange having people speak of her as such a wonderful person, when I had experienced much of the opposite. My mom wasnt all bad, of course she did good and nice things too. Of course, I didn't expect people to speak badly of her at her own funeral. It was odd to hear my sister give a eulogy basically saying that she likes how much she is like our mother. One of my brothers, as well as my brother in law avoided my husband and I like the plague- which I anticipated. It was ...interesting.

I have struggled throughout these last few months to keep perspective. Knowing and anticipating dealing with my FOO (Family of Origin) was less than appealing, and on a bad day, fairly anxiety inducing. I felt so tired in myself. No strength to muster. I was sorely lacking patience with my persistent family who fails to give me the space I so desire to grieve in the way that is appropriate for me. I can't count how many times I've wanted to say "I just want to be done dealing with them. They are obnoxious, mean, and unpleasant." This attitude really didn't help me persevere.  It didn't help that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and just in general, had no extra energy for stuff like this.

So, what have I learned hindsight? There are certain things that are unavoidable. I was not afforded the luxury of leaning on my own strength because I had none left! Thankfulness in who God is changes the atmosphere from one of overwhelm to joyfully waiting for His provision. This is hard...I'm not gonna lie. It is very difficult to be thankful when you are dealing with things you very much dislike.

I also got to put into practice some of the skills I've been learning over the last two years- distress tolerance, accepting that other people will view me how they want to and it CAN have absolutely no affect on how I view or feel about myself. I can assert myself and be confident in my decisions even when others do not like those decisions. Not the most fun...let me tell you. But necessary.