Pregnancy after Miscarriage

Well, I am currently 15 weeks with our 4th pregnancy, 5th child. This pregnancy has been very different than the rest for several reasons. First, it will be our second living child. I never thought I would be in the category of women who have experienced pregnancy loss. Never. But, I am. I really wasn't sure how I would cope with this 4th pregnancy.

I had one pregnancy (twins) that appeared to be going completely normally until the 9 week ultrasound that showed that both hearts had stopped beating. While I had an unexplainable uneasy feeling up until that point, I thought it was just because I wasn't sure if/when I would include my family of origin (FOO) in the pregnancy and there was much stress about that decision. I didn't anticipate seeing two babies that had died weeks earlier. 

Fast forward THOUGH the waiting to go into labor naturally and the actual miscarriage process to me getting pregnant rather quickly with the following pregnancy, and then 7 weeks in discovering that I had a HUGE subchorionic hemorrhage that would lead me to miscarry a perfectly healthy baby at 12 weeks. Lets just say I needed some time emotionally, physically and spiritually to recover from those losses. In my mind, it was no longer just an accident. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with my ability to make and carry children.  I also began the journey of grieving that little one. Many women don't openly share what it's like to lose a baby, even when it's early in the game, which is one of the main reasons I've felt it important to do so on this blog. I don't want people to feel alone or isolated in their suffering. While some seem to bounce right back, others (myself included), feel immense grief. Some women experience post part depression, others don't. 

I remember feeling horribly sad at my breasts beginning to shrink. At the tenderness and pain going away.  The hormonal drop was also another painful reminder at what was now MISSING from my body and my life. After the bleeding had stopped and I had been cleared to have sex safely, I couldn't do it. I got undressed and at the sight of my no-longer-pregnant body, collapsed into a ball of tears. I was no longer sustaining life, but recovering from losing. The weeks that followed were equally as painful as we began testing to see if there was an underlying problem. For some reason, my OB was reluctant to do any sort of testing. I have no idea why. I distinctly remember just 2 days after losing the baby from the hemorrhage, sitting in his office and him telling me with a smile on his face "you can try as soon as you're ready!" I was still so raw from the whole experience. Seeing an empty womb on ultrasound AGAIN was indescribable. Since he was so reluctant, I went to my naturopath and with her help, we began testing to see if there was an underlying issue. After months of testing and waiting, aside from the MTHFR mutation which may or may not play a significant role in reproduction and the ability to carry a child, all testing came back normal. To which I say PRAISE GOD!!! At one point they thought I had a serious clotting disorder, which later proved to be a fluke. Again, I am so grateful. That would have meant daily blood thinning injections and very close during pregnancy and post part. Not fun...not to mention expensive.

After all the testing was done, approximately 6 months after losing Baby 3, we were given the green light to try again. I thought I had already ovulated and it would be too late to get pregnant that month. I wasn't really ANXIOUS about trying, we just figured now was time to "have fun" and see what happens. 

Well, surprise surprise (I say that sarcastically because I seem to have no trouble getting pregnant), I got pregnant that month. The tell was falling asleep Christmas Day while watching a movie in a room full of people AFTER having a cup of coffee! That seriously would have been impossible for my non pregnant self.

I don't really know how many tests I took but I was in disbelief. I held the idea very loosely mostly because I didn't want to experience the disappointment of another miscarriage. So I began the journey of early pregnancy. Essentially holding my breath until the 12 week "safety zone". I found an excellent Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor that did not require a recommendation from my OB (Thank God because I think he really would have denied me that request). She was amazing. She was so incredibly kind, and yet frank with me. I needed a straight shooter- not someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear. She basically made up a diagnosis so I could get several early ultrasounds done with insurance coverage. She gave me the choice with how often I wanted to see baby, as well as the back line to the clinic so that if I got anxious and just want reassurance, I could speak directly with her. Compassion goes a long way.

I really didn't feel completely at ease until around 12 weeks. Around 14 weeks, I began to feel the baby wiggle and move. I know everyone says thats WAY too early and it's just gas, but once you've felt it, you recognize when it's happening. They have since only gotten stronger and more frequent.

I can say that I had more peace with this pregnancy than the previous two. I knew that no matter what happened, if I lost again, if I lost my mind from pain and disappointment- that God would be there. He would prove himself once again to be bigger than my losses. This somehow allowed me to walk with greater confidence and comfort as I waited to make that 12 week milestone.

Now that I've hit that 12 week mark (and then some!) I'm starting to actually get excited and feel more confident in making plans for the future. It feels good.