Family Vacation

Growing up, family vacations were always a big deal and we loved them. I mean, they always contained a certain amount of chaos, but that's pretty normal for a family of 6. This past weekend, we went as a family to the beach...without my dad.

I had not spoken to my mom in several weeks before this event and was very nervous-I was starting to go down the dangerous road of preparing myself for every possible argument and all that I would say if I could say everything I want to say! I had to check myself, and just began to pray. I prayed for a good weekend, that her angry, manipulative ways would be silenced and that there would be no drama. I prayed that God would help me to love her, because I do not like her...I want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I prayed that any remarks or comments would just roll right off my back and would not be noticed unless I absolutely needed to confront something.

When we arrived, I said hello to her and her boyfriend, she looked past me and went straight for my daughter, saying how much she missed her. I expected this and was neither surprised of offended by it, actually I was relieved. The pressure was off of me. I wanted to give her as much time to play with our daughter as we could this weekend, so that maybe she wouldn't bother me so much for time with her in the future. My plan didn't go as I had hoped, as my Darling was teething and clinging to me like nobody's business. So much for relaxing!

This was our first family vacation that everyone was able to attend in almost 10 years. It was so good to spend some quality time laughing and joking with my brothers...they remind me so much of my dad. I felt like he was there. But I also felt his absence. It made me miss him even more. Not to mention my moms new boyfriend is NOTHING like my dad. His humor is like dry toast and he weighs about as much as one of my dad's forearms! Has no like for food (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!), and doesn't talk much. My dad was the polar opposite- life of the party, always pranking, laughing and eating. Man I miss him!

I think one of the things that makes me angry is that I feel like she used his sickness and brought all eyes on her. I had heard her say several times before my dad actually got cancer, "Tom, why don't you just die so I can get your insurance policy...at least then this will have been worth something.." WHAT?! Who says that? And even worse...who means that?! She meant every word. I have no doubt in my mind that she really had convinced herself he was no good and she would be just fine without him. I often wonder if she remembers those words. I pray to God she doesn't. That would be a heavy burden to bear. So the crazy part is her response to sickness. I was too caught up in his illness to allow myself to really accept these things for what they were, but the focus was clearly not on him, it became all about her and how hard this was for her. All of a sudden, nobody else mattered. (Please know, I understand that she carried a large burden by taking care of my dad- that is not to be minimized, and she did it well. What bothers is below)

When her and I started butting heads (which was over NOTHING!) she could only point out how difficult I was making this for her, and how inconsiderate I was for bringing up issues at a time like this...yet she did not consider the fact that I was pregnant, my husband unemployed, and my father severely ill. She could not see anyone's suffering but her own. I was stunned that my own mother could have such a disregard for her own child. I understand WHY...there is something wrong with her, yet thinking about it feels like someone is rubbing my brain against a cheese grater. I can hardly believe this is truly happening. How did it get so bad? Was it always this bad and I was just too young to realize it? Must be so. Others began pointing strange comments out to me before I had come to the realization myself. Oy.

I feel like I have come a long way in the last year. I am now able to say how I feel, make a decision and stick to it, and say "I can't do such and such" and not feel guilty, whereas before, I would panic, break out in a cold sweat just THINKING about what I had to say to her. I still hide things from her, to avoid her saying "why are you doing that?" or "how come her other grandparents get to see her all the time but I never do." I do not feel guilty for taking space- I desperately need it. I need it to grieve,  to live and to grow. To regain my emotional health- this is vital! 

All in all, the weekend was great. I still need some time processing, but I'm thanking God there was no major  chaos!