Guh. Why can't progress remain progress, no going forward and going backwards? I think I am still having a hard time really accepting my decision to go almost no contact with my mother. Thankfully, the Lord is helping me to forget most of the painful memories of my childhood. One of the things I struggle with is that she also did good things. This is what makes the bad things so confusing. How can someone who had so consistently hurt me, also love me? I understand, as a mother, we all get exhausted, yell more than we should or say things we don't mean. This is not what I'm talking about. Her behavior was what no one would consider normal.
As I have said before, my mom was abused as a child- severely neglected and treated very poorly. This breaks my heart, and while I know it breaks God's heart that this happened, I know too, that her behavior is not okay with him. It was not his design or intention for her to carry out the legacy of abuse. Unfortunately the phrase "hurt people, hurt people" is very true- unless we choose otherwise! Just because someone punches you in the face, does not mean you have to turn around and do the same to others. I understand that her brain was changed as a result of that damage, and a lot of her behavior- manipulation, control, feelings of rejection- are defense mechanisms that she has used to survive for years.
One thing I struggle with is that I am a very sensitive, compassionate person. I have DEEP compassion for my mother. I can vaguely imagine the pain she must have endured as a child, and I desperately want her to know the healing I have experienced in the body of Christ. Yet, being in relationship with her, is hard. I do not feel like I should enable someone or excuse their bad behavior just because their childhood was sad- after all, if I did the same thing to my daughter, would she accept that excuse in exchange for her feelings? I don't think so. All that to say, I understand why she did it, I have compassion for that. I have very little understanding of STAYING in that place when you know there is help out there. There could be a million reasons for this.
I have decided to take a time-out of sorts and regroup. Give myself the time I need to heal and recover and focus on my family and our future. Deal with my bitterness and heartache. I'm really trying to grasp that it's not my responsibility to heal her or fix her. It is not my fault.
It bothers me that other family members make excuses for her behavior and minimize their own feelings because they feel sorry for her. I have compassion, I'm not sure I feel sorry for her. Maybe that is wrong. I'm not sure if there really is a difference between the two.
What I hate, is that I feel like I CANT be happy or that I don't deserve to be happy because she is unhappy. But, the reality is, her happiness is up to her. I have to retrain the way I think about this.
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