If things were different.

So, I'm in the process of letting go of expectations. It's amazing how powerful expectations can be! They leave room for failure and disappointment where none existed before.

I am realizing, maybe for the first time, what I never had. Somehow, having a daughter of my own puts this right in front of my face on a daily basis. Not so much memories of bad things that happened (although this happens too), but more so what WASNT there: relationship.

This is not a pity party- but rather just a filing away of sadness that I've been holding on to for far too long.

I wish I had had a mom I felt safe sharing ME with, instead I felt/feel defensive in her presence- like I had to hide the real me or anything that just didn't fit with her agenda for the day. I wish I had a mom I could tell secrets and struggles with- knowing she would pray for me and encourage me- not blab my troubles with the world and everyone I DONT want to know. I wish I didn't have to defend myself as if I were on trial for some crime. I wish I had a mom I felt I could be alone with without wondering when she is going to sneak in some comment I wasn't prepared for, corner me for answers I don't want to give and that she doesn't want to hear anyway. I wish I had a mom I could invite to my birthday parties, the movies or shopping. I wish I had a mom who was healthy and non-toxic, mature and not self centered. I wish I had a mom who I felt comfortable enough having her over to my messy house and not feel embarrassed about it or like I have to hurry and clean.

Obviously, the list could go on and on. But the reality is, she appears to only be able to think of  herself and her wants, not the needs and feelings of others and that is something I have come to accept. I think this is actually a defense mechanism. I have come to accept that in her presence, I will likely always have to be someone else, or at least, not entirely myself.