The Hurt and the Healer

As you know, I am on the journey of forgiveness. To say I've taken a few detours along the way would be an understatement. I guess I should say that I was more surprised at the depth of the pain that would be involved in facing these things head on, and the depth of my own need of forgiveness and grace.

I have heard and read that there are stages of forgiveness just like there are stages of grief, and while you may work through the majority of one stage, there is still the occasional "visit" back to one of those stages. The final stage of forgiveness is when you allow your angry heart to unfreeze and allow the anger to turn into pain, disappointment or hurt- whatever the primary emotion was that caused it in the first place. This has been the most painful stage. I do not like it and I wish I could run from it- I really do. But I know I'm close to the finish line of my freedom and do not want all this hard work to be wasted!!!

When others have failed you, when you have exposed your deepest needs, desires, or hurts and then are rejected or mocked or shamed, your only option is to harden your heart to survive the constant blows. Once you work through the understanding why the person hurt you, acknowledging your feelings and owning that your healing is now in your hands (and God's), the last stage (I HOPE!) is the final wrap up. Where you expose the wounds, let down the guard of anger or hard heartedness and let God heal the wounds. The reason this is so scary is because every prior attempt at this has been twarted, and you were likely only left more wounded then when you first began. I had slowly begun to let others in on the pain party, but even their words were of no comfort. I needed to hear from The Healer- God himself. 

I really struggled with this. I wanted so badly to forgive, but was bombarded with comparison, guilt, shame, and deep rooted bitterness. I wanted my healing but needed someone to pay. I somehow couldn't manage to let the walls down. I was terrified- literally terrified- that God would come into this weak place and list off all my failures, all my short comings, blow my heart to smithereens. 

Well, our God is gracious. Before my wounds were, He provided a healer. He knew I couldn't take this apart myself and had generously provided a way to lead me out. Two of our pastors with a healing ministry had posted a comment on facebook stating that if anyone needed prayer for broken body parts to please message them and they would begin to pray for healing. I thought about messaging them, but then dismissed it...kept thinking about it, until I finally thought "a broken heart counts right?" and messaged them a very nutshell version of my story.

I turned on some worship music and just began to pray for my own healing. That I would allow God in to that broken place- lord knows what I would become if He didn't help me. I received a message on my way home from work, and stopped to read it as I sat in my car. I'm not exaggerating- what God did was nothing short of a miracle. Just reading through the prayer, my heart changed. I felt the love of God pour down over me- pouring His acceptance of me, removing the condemnation, the shame, the fear of failure. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with Him. It was no longer dependent on anything I can do for him. I have nothing in myself to please him, yet He accepts me! The weight was lifted and I felt hope fill the place where there has been so much brokenness. 

Now, I remember things, I still choose to forgive whether I feel the love for that person or not, but I am resting the progress and the fruit on God's shoulders. I know there is nothing I can do in myself to please Him, yet in His great love- He has forgiven me. He has placed His seal of approval on my heart and declared me clean. I know where this is going- as it should! This love will allow me to forgive and accept others. 

It is a HUGE reminder that "apart from Him, I can do nothing." I can rest in the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, and I can give grace to others who have failed me as well. Again- I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Be encouraged today! We so easily can get in a religious way and think we can actually do something for God to love us, or that in some way, we could lose His love- there is nothing- not a single thing on this earth that can separate us from His love. I pray that as you read this, the Holy Spirit will fill you with a deep understanding of His love for you- that it will break of any guilt or condemnation, any hindrance to running fully to Him. 

Blessings!