Letting Go...

Letting go is hard business. We can get ourselves in trouble when we involve ourselves in things we have no business understanding in the first place. Oops #159. My goal, of course was to gain some insight as to why I felt so poorly about my mother/childhood. I wanted our relationship to be better so I delved into understanding my past. I knew based on several books by Beth Moore, that you should only survey the ruins for as long as absolutely necessary so as not to stay in them- the key is learning when to leave it behind! (Another lesson learned the hard way!)

I think it is important to understand why we feel the things we do. For me, it was years of suppressed emotion that led me here. The Lord began to slowly unveil hidden places, hurting places in my heart- painful memories and emotions that were hard to face, but nonetheless would remain unless I allowed them to be dealt with.

Thus began the hard task of trying to reconcile with my mother. We were not estranged by any means, but I kept my distance for several good reasons. I kept her out of my life because she hurt me. I loved her with condition. I carried years and years of resentment and bitterness towards her. It was not a good place to be. I think after my dad died, she wanted to make things right but didn't really have the skills to face her own monsters, much less, face me- the one exposing them. Keep in mind, I did not expose them publicly- I only shared with her certain things she had done that had wounded me and only because she asked. I didn't feel it would be good for either of us to sit down and list off every painful experience- after all, could any of us stand under the weight of that? I know I couldn't.

It became clear, fairly quickly, that she was not ready for this part of the process and I would have to do the work of forgiving someone who refused to acknowledge that I saw and felt things very differently then she did. While I gained a truck load of understanding and insight as to WHY things happened as they did, it did not take care of the hurt I received at the brunt end of it. I was missing a huge piece to the puzzle: The apology. While this is not necessary to be able to forgive, it sure would have been easier!

As I mentioned before, the final stage in forgiveness (it is cyclical, not linear), is allowing a hard heart to become soft again and let the anger and unforgiveness turn to hurt. In order for this to happen, God has to show up. I can tell you from experience that while words of comfort from friends and mentors add a little, the hole of hurt and rejection leave a hole no person is fit to fill. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and AMAZING friends...but God has designed us in a way that we really can only be satisfied by him.

I had allowed myself to make a god out of this situation- going over and over every detail, analyzing and reanalyzing- maybe if had said this instead of that, she would have acknowledged. She would say she's sorry and then I'd have the mom I always wanted.  And oh, the times I said things I shouldn't have! The times others gossiped and shared things with her what were meant only for trusting ears! The weight of guilt and shame and disappointment was profound, to say the least, almost devastating. I cannot change this. I cannot fix this. Everything I've tried has failed. Lord, what can I do?

I was afraid to let go and let God. I had become addicted to fixing this problem. I was afraid that He was just waiting to punish me for the mistakes I'd made. But His love came rushing in- like mad. Someone gave me a word and I felt for the first time since all this brokenness began, God's love covering my heart. It wasn't about anything I had done or ever would do! Finally, I understood- there is NOTHING that can separate me from His love. Not even my own failures. I saw him place a stamp over my heart that said "accepted". I may have been rejected by my mother, failed by my father and gossiped about by those who don't know me- but none of that matters. I can let go, because I know the one who is holding me, and will lead me to solid ground.

And then it hit me: This is how I can love my mother. This love, that accepts me as I am, weak and failing, a broken hot mess- without condition! It is not dependent on my successes or failures- this love will allow me to love others the way that God has loved me. 1 John 4:19 says "We love because He first loved us."

I don't know where God is leading from here, but I am believing for good things.

My prayer for you is this:  Ephesians 3:18 "[That you may really come] to know [practically, ^[e]through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses ^[f]mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being]^[g]unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and ^[h]become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!"

God bless you today!