Surrender

I am learning that the life of a Christian is a surrendered life...and it is not always easy to lay things down. I am STILL learning to forgive my mom- this is a daily and sometimes hourly process for me- I cannot lie about that.

This last year has been a whirlwind. Almost a year ago, I found out I had an old injury that was contributing to the anxiety I was feeling (due to injury of some areas that control my adrenal and thyroid gland). At the same time, it was apparent that my coping skills were VASTLY underdeveloped, and I went in search of a qualified Christian counselor to help walk me through some very murky waters. I have learned a lot and have been greatly humbled by the process.

I learned, through my own physical illness and limitations, that God wants us to take care of our bodies! It's so important because healthy emotions are reliant upon healthy bodies- this means correcting deficiencies that could be contributing to any problems. I had a major fear of having panic attacks as my mom had them virtually all her life. I had a week of them  that led me to discover the head injury and let me tell you- it is hell on earth. Waking up in a sweat, heart pounding straight out of your chest, and in an instant, over the toilet...trying to catch your breath. It literally feels like you are dying. I also learned that my body doesn't absorb Vitamin B like it should, so even taking a supplement is not enough for me. (Vitamin B is highly important for mood, energy, etc).  Though I was at first angry at the Lord for allowing me to experience this after "all we've been through" (ha!), through it, he placed in me an understanding and compassion for my mother that I probably would have never had.

I am extremely grateful for the care I received and that through quick intervention, this will not be a lifelong pattern for me. As I was saying, it helped me to understand how difficult it would have been for my mom to have raised 4 children under such a constant onslaught of attacks.

This brings me back to the forgiveness piece. Part of the process is gaining an understanding for the person who hurt you. It is a hard process. I have separated myself from my mom so that I could heal and to give God time to deal with my heart and to truly forgive her. To allow myself the space to say "that hurt me, this is not okay" as I have an awful tendency to pretend things don't bother me or that nothing hurts me (it was my way of surviving for a time). But God wants us to have healthy emotions! So, through counsel, I am learning how to allow that anger to turn into hurt, and also praying for God to unfreeze my heart that has been hardened by pain.

It is frustrating, and slow. One day I'll be doing just great, and then the next, something will trigger a conversation or words said and bam- I'm seemingly right back at square one. But I have noticed something: my heart towards her IS changing (THANK YOU GOD!)- I am remembering more good things and it is becoming easier to forgive. That being said, I have still chosen not to move any closer to her for the time being (not initiating phone calls, texts or email). I would hate to move too close too fast and have all that work be undone! As my good friend says "it's like allowing yourself to be thrown into the pit that God graciously has worked so hard to pull you out of!" SOOOO true.

I am believing that even if she never changes, my heart will be well enough to have grace for her and tolerate her more. If God want's to do more, then GREAT! But, my focus is solely on allowing God to do what He needs to do in me. He has been faithful to use this hard and ugly thing to untangle the knots and fears that have held me captive for so long.

OH, one more thing! There is power in our praise and worship! I am learning that although it may not magically cause God to change our circumstances, it DOES give us the grace to soar above them...once again, I am not a perfect example of this! Just a tool I am learning to use.

God bless you today.